‘Just ignore him,’ Amy said, but it came out like a question.
I needed to get this under control.We needed boundaries.Last night was a moment of weakness and Iwasn’tplanning on repeating history.
Hiking was fucking bollocks.I mentally chanted the sentence again and again.
My fist clenched as the wind whipped around us, sparking a cacophony of groans as we made a slow trudge up the path to the top of Snowdon.The mountain looked fearsome and impenetrable in the grey, heavy clouds.At this point, I didn’t know who on earth thought it was a good idea to bring together nine strangers and make them hike up through the mud and wind and rain.Rain splattered over me with another gust of wind, whipping my hood from my head, making me gasp.
The skies were grey and rumbling.While Mandy had insisted it was just another rainy day, I wasn’t convinced.
The weather felt oppressive.
We’d begun the day by walking to the Cae’r Wyddfa Campsite at the base of Snowdon.It was a popular site with a lot of amenities for hikers.We had set up our tents and eaten snacks before heading to the Walkin Path, the most challenging route up Snowdon.
I tried to stop my nerves from fluttering.This would be a real achievement.Something to tick off.
But it was so much more challenging than I’d expected.
We passed waterfalls and climbed up steep rock scrambles for nine painful miles, and I cursed every single step.The group was silent, apart from the odd groan and Mandy’s attempt to cheer up the group with phrases like ‘Halfway!’ and ‘Almost there, team, you’re doing so well!’ The cloud broke away enough for us to see a distant, blurry view of the lakes that Mandy informed us were Llyn Llydaw and Llyn Glaslyn, which Mandy told us translated into English as Brittany Lake and Blue Lake, respectively.
‘Legend has it—’ Mandy shouted to us over the wind and rain whipping around us, ‘—that King Arthur’s sword was thrown into Llyn Llydaw, returning it to the lady of the lake, before Arthur was placed on a boat and found his final resting place through the mists to Avalon.’ She grinned, her face bright against the storm.‘Easy to imagine on a day like this, isn’t it?’
Ren lingered near but didn’t speak to me as we walked side by side and began to reach the Snowdon summit, our breaths haggard.
I rolled my ankle on a stone and Ren was there, at my elbow.Those deep brown eyes searched mine, looking for signs of pain.It made me miss Peggy.She would have been a welcome distraction from the vile weather and tension between Ren and me.But Ren had left her with Pat and Steve and their pug, Noodle, after Mandy suggested that some of the ascents might be challenging for her.
‘You okay?’ Ren asked, voice low and strained.My eyes tracked where his elbow touched my skin.
‘Fine.’
He stepped back, dropping his hand and we continued up the well-trodden path.
The last few metres to the summit were slow, as we made our way carefully up the narrow stone steps to a trig point – a large stone table – on a platform.Ren offered his hand as he pulled me up to the platform, standing close to me, so everyone could fit on to the summit.There was a 360° view – although the visibility wasn’t great with the weather.Mist clung to the mountains as if they were whispering secrets, curling around the peaks and giving the air a sharp tang of metal.The lakes below were grey and dark.It added to the atmosphere – ethereal, otherworldly.
Around me, the girls hugged each other, laughing, gushing over the achievement.
I stared out at the view, and felt…
Nothing.
What was wrong with me?Why didn’t I feel anything?This was a huge achievement.I’d climbed the biggest mountain in Wales, through stormy weather and difficult ascents.
But I felt nothing.
‘Hey.’ A warm, familiar hand landed on my shoulder.‘Are you okay?’
I looked at Ren, and the words came tumbling out.
‘What is wrong with me?’
Ren’s eyebrows drew together, ‘What do you mean?There is nothing wrong with you—’
‘There must be.Who gets to the top of a mountain and just… feels nothing?Who pushes and pushes, through rain and exhaustion and blisters, and still comes up empty?I should feel proud.I should feelsomething. But I don’t.I just keep pretending.Smiling when I’m not okay.Making jokes so no one asks questions.Pretending I’m fine with the fact I have no job.No place to live.Pretending I’m okay with the fact I’m almost thirty, the decade when you are supposed to have your shit together, and I’m starting from scratch.And I’m on this hike, thinking it’s some sort ofEat, Pray, Loveexpedition that will magically sort everything.Except it’s not, is it?’ I shook my head, the words speeding up.‘I mean, look atus. I’m acting like everything’s fine between us.Like what happened didn’t matter.Like I don’t care what we lost.No one back home even knows why.I haven’t told anyone.I can’t even say it out loud.’
I looked up at him, throat tight.‘Is that normal?’
Ren sucked in a breath.‘No, Lyds.Probably not.But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.You just process things differently—’
‘I know.’ I cut him off.‘And I think you were right.About me pushing things down.Avoiding the truth.It needs to change.I need to stop hiding.’
