I blink. “What?”
“It’s sick, right? I don’t know the science behind it,” she continues, “but it makes it physically impossible to feel negatively about things you hate. Just shuts that part of the brain off. I give it to my boyfriend so he...”
…Blah blah blah blah.
My brain goes blank.
You mean to tell me… I only slept with him because my brain was chemically altered into thinking he wasn’t the worst person to ever exist?
My eye twitches.
“You bombaclaat idiot!” I yell into the phone. “I see why Chinaza hates you! My girl, go SUCK YA MUDDA BATTY HOLE! Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU!”
I hang up before I throw my phone because what?
I pace, and pace and then I just… stand there.
Staring at nothing.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You fucked him.
You fucked him Jabari. You fucked him but only because you were high out of your mind.
I try to rationaliseit but it falls flat. It falls flat because I know… deep down inside. I wanted this a tiny bit.
I slept with my best friend’s brother because I wanted to.
I do everything I can to strengthen my appearance as the numbers on the lift count lower. First I rake my hand through my hair, I fix up my dress, and finally, I dig in my purse to get my lipstick, only to find it gone.
I left it in his room. My brain starts sprinting laps.
This is not fine.
This is the opposite of fine.
I slept with the one man who is off limits in the entire United Kingdom. And I missed church to do it!
I press the heel of my hand into my eye.
I am going to hell.
Not the regular hell.
The special hell where the church aunties fold their arms and shake their heads forever in disappointment.
“What is wrong with me?” I whisper.
My chest gets tight and my eyes start to burn.
Crying?Really?
Now?
