By the time the next bus lumbers up, I’m already irritated. I climb on, tap my Oyster, and slide into a seat by the window. Earbuds in, volume up, trying to drown out my own brain with some Jorja, but she’s not helping either.
If anything, it makes it bloody worse.
Every lyric feels like I’m being called out for being emotionally constipated and aggressively avoidant.
I stare out the window, watching the city blur past in wet streaks. My mind is too busy with overthinking to even consider turning on my switch and completing that quest inZelda.
Was I too harsh?
The thought sneaks in before I can block it.
Did I take it too far with Jabari?
Even Zaza is looking at me like I’m overdoing it.
And Za’s not exactly known for being overly sentimental with Jabari, so if she’s concerned, maybe I should ease up.
But then again, she’s been known to see the best in people and try to give them second, third, and even a million chances, much to my annoyance.
Still…
Maybe I came in a little hot.
I sigh, resting my forehead against the glass.
I mean… he isn’thorribleto be around.
Just insufferable.
Annoying.
Overbearing.
Loud in that way men are when they’re used to being listened to.
But—begrudgingly—I’ll admit he’s very tidy. I’ve never seen him leave a dish in the sink, which honestly puts him above most men I know. And he’s funny,sometimes.
Confident.
Honest.
My brain, traitorous thing that it is, drifts back to the image of him on his knees fixing the coffee table.
Back when he was begging for my forgiveness.
And in his eyes was…sincerity.
Real, unmistakable sincerity.
It could’ve been the secondhand smoke but for a moment, he looked genuinely sorry. Like he actually cared that he’d crossed a line with me all those years ago. Almost like he wanted my forgiveness instead of just my attention.
That’s the part that still messes with me.
My mind keeps tripping over itself trying to separate who he was from who he is. The boy who used to look at me like I was a joke versus the man standing in front of me now, taking hits and still trying to fix things.
Especially when he turns around two minutes later and acts like a complete arsehole again.
Whiplash, honestly.
