I love how he showers immediately after every social interaction.
And I love Za.
I love her in a way that built me.
In a way that held me together when I was falling apart.
I cannot be the reason she questions her worth. I cannot be the reason she thinks loyalty means nothing.
My chest tightens painfully again.
I think I’m gonna have a stroke.
I lie back on his bed, wearing his tee and nothing else, staring at the ceiling.
When he lands, I’ll talk first.
I won’t let him talk me out of it.
I won’t let him promise things.
I won’t let him say “we’ll figure it out.”
Because figuring it out just means choosing.
And if I choose him, I lose her.
If I choose her, I lose him.
And I already know which loss I can survive.
My body feels heavy now.
Exhaustion creeping in finally.
I tell myself I’ll just close my eyes for a second.
Just enough to steady myself and rehearse the words.
Bari, this has to end.
Bari, I love you but?—
I press my face into his pillow and inhale. The scent settles something in me that I don’t want settled.
This is the last night.
The last time I’ll be here like this. The last time I’ll prepare something for him. The last time I’ll allow myself to love him without consequence.
And somewhere between that thought and the sound of the oven timer clicking off downstairs?—
I fall asleep.
twenty-six
surprise!
Jabari.
