I like it.
Even though I was sure I would be cremated if Za found out.
I want him.
Butonlyfor the bedroom, andonlywhen it doesn’t ruin my life. I need to get this shit under control before it controls me.
Still buzzing with anxiety, I step into the shower and let the water hit my skin, trying to wash away the soreness, the scent of him and the memory.
But it doesn’t leave.
It clings to me.
Because now that I know what he feels like, what hereally feels like,I can’t unknow it. Now that I can’t hide behind theexcuse of being high out of my mind and the lie of I wasn’t thinking straight, I had to face it.
I am… so tremendously… unbelievably… fucked.
?When thepain finally settles into something tolerable, I drag myself out of the shower, change into the loosest, softest clothes I own, and head straight to my mother’s flat.
Because if anyone can fix this? It’s Mummy.
“Mummyyy!” I call, voice breaking as I enter her flat.
Silence.
“Mum, where are you?”
“I in de den!” she shouts back. “Wa happen?”
I stumble down the hallway, holding one hand to the small of my back. Relief washes over me at the sight of her, wrapped in her floral house dress, legs curled under her, shelling peas while watchingDays of Our Lives.
I collapse beside her on the couch, forehead dropping straight into her lap.
“Mummy,” I mumble into the fabric, “I mess up. I mess up real bad.”
“Is wa yuh talking, Francine?”
I lift my head half an inch. “I did something wrong. And now I’m in pain.”
“Eh?” She squints down at me. “Pain from what? Ya job? Ya stomach?” She leans in, sniffing me. “Or is man?”
I deflate and drop my face back into her lap.
“Mummy… I slept with Jabari,” I admit.So much for keeping that to myself.
“I cyaan hear yuh,” she says flatly.
“Me and Jabari had sex.”
“Ayy—look here, my girl. It’s either yuh lift ya head and tell me, or yuh could keep it to yaself!”
I shoot up properly this time, meeting her wide-eyed stare.
“Jabari and me are sleeping together.”
She blinks. “You and ya friend brudda a bun?”
I groan into my palms. “Yes.”
