But as I turned off the kitchen light and climbed the stairs, one truth hummed steady beneath my ribs. I had to find a way.
3
ELEANOR
Two weeks into the school year, and Ava was . . . surviving.
Some mornings were good. Some ended in tears. But she’d started eating lunch with a quiet girl named Zoe and spent half of yesterday drawing bats on the class bulletin board. Progress, in our world, was measured in tiny, miraculous increments.
I’d learned the teachers were saints. Ms. Leighton sent daily emails that began withThe good news is . . .and ended withWe’re working on . . .Darlene waved every morning when we arrived, her purple streak shining under the fluorescents, like a small promise that at least one adult in the building got it.
At night, Ava still crawled into my bed.
And I still let her.
Things weren’t easy, but they were better. And “better” felt like a luxury I didn’t want to jinx. Which was probably why I’d been avoiding Belle’s invitation to the roller derby bout all week.
I’d almost said yes. Almost.
But the truth was, I hadn’t done anything for myself in so long that the idea offunfelt foreign, like a language I’d forgottenhow to speak. And even if I could find the words, I wasn’t sure who would listen.
A knock on the doorframe pulled me out of my thoughts. My mother leaned in, looking pleased with herself. Never a good sign.
“Eleanor,” she said, in that too-casual tone she used when she was about to ruin my plans. “I have a little surprise for you.”
I looked up from my laptop. “Unless it’s a winning lottery ticket, I doubt I’ll like it.”
Her smile didn’t waver. “Don’t be dramatic. It’s just a dinner. A date, actually.”
I blinked. “Awhat?”
“With a perfectly lovely man. He’s the nephew of a woman from my bridge club. He’s a partner at a law firm. I told him you’ve been working so hard and could use a night out.”
“You told him—Mom, no. Absolutely not.”
“Oh, come now. It’s just dinner.”
“I don’t want dinner,” I said. “Or a date. Or to sit across from someone who’s going to ask about Ethan and then look sorry for me.”
Her expression softened, but only slightly. “Honey, you can’t live like this forever. Ethan wouldn’t want that.”
The familiar ache in my chest flared. “Please don’t use him to guilt me into dating.”
She sighed, expertly changing tactics. “Fine. Don’t do it for yourself, do it for me. Or for Ava. You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
I gave a humorless laugh. “My cup shattered a year ago.”
“That’s why you need a new one,” she said sweetly. “Besides, I promised Ava we’d have a popcorn and Addams Family night. She’s thrilled. I’ll keep her entertained, and you’ll have a few hours to yourself. No one loses.”
I wanted to argue. God, I wanted to.
But she was right about one thing. Avawasexcited. I could hear her upstairs, humming the Addams Family theme under her breath.
So instead, I pressed my fingers to my temples and muttered, “Fine. But I’m leaving after dessert.”
My mother’s grin was triumphant. “Wonderful. He’ll pick you up at seven.”
When she swept out of the room, I groaned and let my forehead hit the table.
