“She controls everything,” she said, her breath hitching on the last word. “But . . . . I don’t want to talk about my mother. I . . . uhhh. I.”
“What is it? You can talk to me,” I soothed.
“I wanted to talk about the other night. I feel like I owe you an explanation.”
I shook my head. “You don’t owe me anything,” I said emphatically.
“Please, just let me get this out.”
I nodded and sat up straight, giving her the space she needed. “The other night . . . was a lot for me. It was perfect.The picnic was perfect, and then when we got back to my house. I don’t know. I kind of freaked out.”
The idea that I had pressured her into something made my skin crawl. This was getting a little too close to old wounds I thought had healed.
“I’m so sorry. I took you on the date because I thought it would make you happy. Not because I wanted or expected anything in return. I would never–”
“Alex,” she said, quickly taking my hand, pausing my spiral, but not stopping it entirely. This wasn’t about me. I just needed to listen.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I liked it. I liked it a lot," she said.
I tried to ignore the flush creeping up her cheeks.
“But this is all very new to me. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I want to. Ireallywant to,” she said, giving my hand a squeeze.
I relaxed slightly and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles.
“I just don’t know how to do this anymore. I’d been with Ethan since high school, so dating is not something I remember how to do. Plus, now I have Ava, and everything just seems so much more complicated now.”
I turned more fully to her and cupped her cheek. “It is more complicated now. Our lives are more complicated now. You have Ava. I have Leo. We have lots of responsibilities and people counting on us, but here’s the thing. We get to decide what this is. Me and you. We get to decide the speed.”
She nodded at me as a small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.
“It just . . . ” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I just need you to promise me something, it is very important to me. Can you do that?”
When I opened my eyes, Eleanor was looking at me with a serious expression. “What is it?”
“It is really important to me that you not feel pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. Purity culture really messed with my head and I just . . . I need to know that you are only doing things because you enjoy them. Not because you think you should.”
“Alex. Yes. One hundred percent, I can promise you that. I wanted to. Iwant to. It's just new.”
“Okay, good,” I said, finally shaking off the last of the shame. “I’m in no hurry. I just like spending time with you.”
“The other stuff is pretty great too,” she said, bumping her shoulder into mine.
“Beyond great.”
The moment expanded between us as we sat in the quiet rink, whatever was happening to us full of promise.
She let out a long sigh. “Anyway, I should go soon. I need to pick up Ava from school.” She tried for a smile, something close to soft. “Maybe I’ll see you at the theater tonight?”
“You will,” I said immediately. “I’ll be there.”
She nodded, wiping her cheek again. “Okay.”
We both finished unlacing our skates in silence.
We walked to the skate room together, slipping the rentals onto the shelves.
“Wait,” she said.
