Iwas at the graveyard this afternoon visiting my favorite boys. The plan was to leave tomorrow evening for Mexico, and before I hopped on that flight, I wanted to come out here, and talk with my daddy, and my brother. So far, I’ve been out here for about an hour, and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t in a rush to leave.
I go through phases in life, where I wanted to be close with them both, and to be honest, I wasn’t ready to die yet and join them, so coming out here, and talking to them was the closest that I could get at the moment. Talk about the things that I would give up just to have them both next to me. I cry painful tears every time that I come out here to talk with them because life really cheated them. Life cheated me. My daddy was taken away from me before I could properly value what it even meant to have a father. I was too young when he died, so I didn’t remember him. All I had were pictures, and film that my mom had taken from her camcorder.
With my brother, his death hurt me even more because even though he was older than me, it felt like he was my twin. I loved him in a way that I couldn’t explain to you. Something died in me when my brother died. I think every day of my life, people pointout the fact that I was always looking angry, and that it took a lot to get me to smile. That wasn’t done intentionally. That frown was something that I couldn’t help, but as the days go by, I was learning to appreciate what was in front of me, be thankful for it, and smile occasionally.
I started doing my anger management courses that was appointed to me by the judge, and the counselor that I’ve met with two times already was the one to tell me to stop dwelling in the past, and to leave room for what was in front of me, and what was to come.
My brother, and my dad were buried right next to each other. I had a small broom and dustpan sitting to the right of me because as soon as I got out here, the first thing that I did was sweep both of their headstones. I haven’t been out here in a couple of weeks to see them, so it was a lot of dirt, and leaves filling both headstones. I came with fresh flowers for them, that I rested in the pot, and now, I was just sitting, knees pulled up in front of me, looking at what was ahead of me.
“Roman, you’ll be so proud of me. I’m getting on a plane tomorrow, boy. Remember we used to have deep ass talks? I remember we were always going back and forth with each other about that 9/11 shit. I used to hard down argue with you, telling you that the government had something to do with that shit. You never felt that way though. You felt like I was looking too deep into it. I believed that shit so much, that I swore I would never get on a plane ever in my life,” I started, and I found myself laughing a little bit, as I thought about the debates that I would often have with my big brother.
“You used to always tell me, ‘lil sis, live your life’. You used to say that it was shit out there that was bigger than Miami. Different countries, islands, cultures, food, all that. That was something that I never was able to feel you on. I’m getting on that plane tomorrow evening. I’m going to be honest big brother,I don’t think I would be getting on this plane if it wasn’t for Dolo,” I took a pause, as I thought about Dolo for a second, and then a smile came across my face.
“Your gangsta ass baby sister likes somebody. I know you would have loved him for me. You used to always tell me that you wasn’t approving no nigga until you felt like it was someone that could protect me. In the short amount of time that we’ve known each other, he’s protected me so many times. I wish you could have been here to meet him. You probably already knew who he was before you were taken from me, but I don’t think you knew him on a personal tip. If this nigga do me wrong, big bruh you gotta haunt him in his sleep for me,” I went on, tears falling from my eyes, as I laughed through the crazy shit that I was telling him.
No matter how many times that I came down here to talk to my brother, and my daddy, this shit would never get easy for me.
I talked with them both a little longer, and almost fifteen minutes had gone by. Just when I was getting ready to stand up, I heard movement coming from behind me. I was unsteady these days, mainly because of all the shit that kept happening to me, so I moved swiftly, going for the gun that I had casually sitting right on the side of me, but I didn’t have to use it once I saw who was standing there.
It was Uzi. I couldn’t see my eyes right now because I wasn’t facing a mirror, but I’m sure mine matched hers. Her eyes were red, and so was her nose. From what I knew about her, I knew that she lost her father as well. Her mother was gone too, so that would explain the red eyes, and the pain that matched mine.
She came over, and she sat down next to me. She pulled her knees up, just as I did with mine, and for a few minutes, she didn’t say anything.
“I’m not stalking you. My parents are buried not too far down, and I saw you when I was over there,” she expressed, andI nodded at that, not saying anything because I could sense she was going to say more.
“Whoever said that time heals all wounds obviously lied. I can personally say that this shit doesn’t get any easier. I still cry as hard as I did the first day when both of my parents died. I’m still young. Only 39 years old, and I don’t have a single parent that I can turn to, and that shit hurts me to my fuckin core,” Uzi expressed.
I really wasn’t an emotional person at all, but hearing the pain in her voice, just hearing that all too familiar struggle, and longing, it caused a couple of tears to slip down my face, but I was quick with wiping them away.
I cleared my throat so that I could speak.
“With my daddy, the pain comes from all the unanswered questions that I have. What would life look like for me right now at twenty- one years old if he was still here? What would my childhood have looked like? The unknown is what drives me crazy. With my brother, the pain comes from deep within. I lost my other half. My person. His life was cut too short, and I have a hard time accepting that. I feel like the seventeen years that I got with my brother was nothing. That was such a tease, so I go on, treating life like I’m mad at the world,” I told her how I truly felt, turning my head to look at her.
A lone tear fell from her eyes, in which she quickly wiped away.
“I know that feeling. Trust me, I do. When I lost my mom, I was out of my body. A menace. I think that’s why I did so good in the drug business back then because I had so much pent-up anger inside of me, so I didn’t take no shit, and I could handle any nigga that ever stepped out of line. It don’t get easier Riot, but you learn to cope with it a little better. You gotta live your life and do what you gotta do to make your daddy and your brother proud. Treat life like they really up there looking down at you,watching your every move, and when you get the chance to see them again, they’ll make judgment on whether you made them proud or not. That’s the code that I live by. Everything I do, I do it off the sole basis of making my parents proud of me,” she said, telling some real shit to me, that I was taking heed to, so I nodded my head.
We sat together in silence for another ten minutes. She was in her own world, and I was in mine.
“I heard you going to Mexico tomorrow,” she threw in, and I looked at her, and smiled just a little.
Dolo was serious about getting me a same- day passport. The day after we found out about the Mexico trip, he took me to someone he knew that would expediate my passport for me. We went in that morning, and by later that evening, they were calling, telling me to come pick it up.
“Dolo told you that?” I asked her, and she chuckled.
“Yeah. He came over to the house yesterday to chill with us for a little bit. He likes you, Riot. Judging by that goofy ass smile on your face, I can tell that you like him too,” she said, and I could even control the smile, so I did sit my ass here, looking goofy, just as she said I was.
“We leave tomorrow evening,” I let her know, and she nodded.
“Pack condoms, and plan b’s boo. Fourteen years ago, when anyone brought up my husband’s name, I sat there looking goofy just like you, and I popped up pregnant. Follow me when I say this to you… don’t get pregnant. You got too much shit to do. You’re in your prime, Riot. Twenty- one. You’re a baby. Shake shit up in the streets a little bit. Your name already ringing bells but let it ring a little more. I see something in you that I once saw in myself, and that’s hunger. Please… I’m begging you not to get pregnant,” she finished, and I had to laugh because you saw it all in her eyes that she didn’t want me to have a baby right now.
“I think I’m the last person that you have to worry about having a kid. I love kids, but I love other people’s kids. I don’t want kids of my own. Me, and Dolo aren’t even fuckin. I’m still a virgin,” I let her know, and she looked at me like I was crazy, as she cocked her head to the side.
“You and Dolo aren’t fuckin…. Yet. Sing that same song to me when you get back from Mexico. Come on. You want to grab lunch? I have about another hour before I have to get my kids from school,” she said, standing up from the grass.
“Yeah. I’m down,” I chimed, standing up as well.
Uzi’s words stuck with me. Hell, she even put a little fear inside of me about a possible pregnancy. I was the last one that needed to have a child. If me, and Dolo ever crossed that line, and had sex, I was going to make him use a condom. Then, I was going to run my ass down to the doctor so that I could get put on birth control. I think I might just fall to my knees and die if I ever popped up pregnant. I’m telling you I would.
