For all of the ways he threatens to disturb my peace, Elijah has been good company. We’ve fallen into an easy rhythm over the last week, with him sneaking off to the pottery studio downstairs when he thinks I’m not paying attention.
He always returns with clay stuck to his clothing and caked beneath his shortly trimmed nails, requiring a far longer shower than he usually takes. There’s something lighter, less weighed down about him on these nights, and I’ve enjoyed his quiet company beside me, even if I’ve done very little to let him know.
That thought causes a momentary twinge in my chest when I enter the flat to find him seated on the sofa, nose buried in a romance novel. The nausea and fatigue are unlikely to wait long before they drag me back into the confines of my bedroom, away from the man who’s calmed some of my anxiety with his presence alone.
I’ll have to work out a way to reassure him I’m okay when the chemo does its thing and I find myself at the mercy of my weak stomach once more. I wouldn’t want him to worry about me while I’m tucked away, dealing with my problems in the only way I know how.
Alone.
CHAPTER
TWELVE
I hissin pain as the hot water tears through my cracked knuckles. I’ve been awake far too long, cleaningfar too muchin a bid to distract myself.
I’ve barely seen Adhira in the last three days, though I know she’s here thanks to the little notes she leaves. Each one, folded in a different shape, says nothing about her whereabouts, but a messily scribbled fact about orcas has greeted me every night—and my heart is practically rattling out of my chest as I wonder why she might be ignoring me.
I haven’t felt quite as alone with Adhira dropping in on my nightly calls with my sisters, and I’ve managed to bribe her into sharing dinner with me most nights. I’d thought she was growing more comfortable with me, but maybe I’d been wrong.
The few moments I get to share with her have soothed some of the ache in my chest after years of feeling alone, even in aroom full of people. Because with Adhira Shah, I’ve learned that if she doesn’t want to be around me, she won’t. She wouldn’t make the effort if I were a complete nuisance or waste of space, and I hold onto that as I approach her door.
I feel like I could run a marathon with nothing but my anxiety to fuel me. Luckily, my match is in a couple of hours, and I’ll have ample opportunity to exhaust this overwhelming feeling.
Rapping my knuckles against the door, I wait, hearing her shuffling behind it. A moment later, the door swings open, and I jump out of the way just in time to avoid getting my skull bashed in.
Adhira looks like hell.
My gut roils with nerves as I take her in. She’s standing in the doorway, her effortlessly flawless face now tinged with a greenish hue showing through her pretty tawny complexion. Her hair is piled high on her head in a messy bun, and her trademark fuzzy green robe is hanging loosely off her shoulders.
“Hey,” I say, dragging the word out like a teenager hitting on a girl for the first time.
She stares at me, her expression sharp, as she waits for me to offer something worth the intrusion. I clear my throat. “Are you doing anything today?”
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Oh.” I rub the back of my neck. “Okay, well?—”
“Out with it, please. This is getting painful to watch. It’s okay to speak your mind. I promise I won’t get offended by whatever you have to say.” Some of her frustration oozes into her words. “I have a difficult time interpreting what people want, so I need you to come out and say what’s on your mind. You’re probably the sweetest person I’ve ever met, so I know nothing you say would be with malicious intent.”
My mind skitters over most of her words, choosing to swirl around the part where she called me the sweetest person ever, but when she puts a hand on her hip, I know she’s annoyed.
“You think I’m sweet?” I ask, my lashes fluttering, and a grin tugs at my lips. She pins me with a glare that wrinkles the edges of her eyes. I suck my lips into my mouth, gaining some composure. “Right—to the point. Got it. Would you like to come to my game today? I know your friends can’t make it, but?—”
“Yes, Elijah. That would be lovely. I’ll go get changed,” she says, turning and closing the door in my face.
Well, that went better than I thought it would.
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
While I feellike straight rubbish, Iwantto go.
My whole body is vibrating with the desire to get outside, and I can’t say no to rugby.
I’ve loved rugby since Elise introduced me to the sport. Everything about the team dynamics drew me in from the start, but when I started to recognise just how deep the silent cues went, my enjoyment took on a life of its own.
I often mirror those around me when in new or uncomfortable situations, taking in facial expressions and body language to judge how I’m expected to behave. It’s not that I care what others think of me, but rather that I don’t wish to draw too much attention to myself. I’d rather blend in, and masking helps me accomplish that on the occasions I bother to do so.
