“So, candy planet is nice, but we really need to go home.”
The flink chirps at me, grabs a handful of candy, and shoves it in their mouth.
“You know, you’re going to rot your teeth doing that. You have to brush those pearly whites if you don’t want them falling out of your head.” I really am destined to become a children’s books author—look at me using old wives tales to literally no one’s benefit.
The flink bares their teeth at me, showing me how beautifully white their very pointed teeth are.
Huh. Does that mean that the flink understands me? I mean, more than just my tone? Because I was joking when I said it was chastising me for my reprehensible taste in men, but this is pretty concrete evidence that it knows I’m talking about its teeth.
“Your teeth are beautiful now, but if you keep eating candy like that, they’re going to look like mine.” I open my mouth and show them the fillings in my molars.
Look, some people have trouble forming habits and forget to brush their teeth at night, and then they end up having weak teeth to begin with, so their teeth go bad and they end up with metal in their mouth or whatever. It’s a whole thing, and I’m not going to let anyone shame me for it—I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.
“CHIRP!” the flink screams, jumping off the tree and landing on my shoulder.
The air pressure drops and I lose myself to the void, popping back into existence with that booming clap that rocks through me. I don’t smell anything particular as a first impression, butas my eyesight comes back, it becomes clear that this flink either can’t get us back to my apartment, or they don’t want to.
The giant green planet with brick red rings in the sky is a big indication they’re not done touring the cosmos with me.
2
“You know, this is beautiful.” I wave at the pink ocean we’re overlooking from the top of a tower in the middle of it.
There’s nothing else around, just a metal tower that could be any ol’ cell tower or radio tower or whatever. In fact, I know so little about towers with blinky lights, that for all I know we’re currently interfering with some vital communication by causing static because we’re so close to the broadcasting dish.
If the ocean wasn’t pink and literally writhing with sea monsters, we could be on Earth, what with the radio tower we’re on.
“But I need you to take me back to my apartment. For all I know, Stalker Steve broke in and trashed the place, and I really need to call the police and file with my insurance company and all that.”
The flink blows a raspberry.
“I know. Paperwork. Boring, amiright? But needs must, especially if I have to replace my textbooks. Those fuckers are expensive. It’s stupid how much textbooks cost. Well, the entire education system is a scam, but one that’s basically forced on us if we want to be able to pay our rent. And again, that’s also stupid. Did you know—”
The world disappears and so do I. This is the ninth jump in as many hours. And it’s not my apartment where we land. In fact, it’s difficult to describe where we’ve landed. It’s hot, but not unbearable, even though there is lava flowing not a foot away from me.
“I know that Hollywood makes it seem like you can get close to lava floes without much trouble, but that’s a goddamn lie. Why am I not blistering right now? It should be way too hot to be this close, plus, like, fumes are a problem, right? Volcanoes put out a lot of noxious gasses, don’t they? I’m not a geology person, I’m physical therapy, but I know this isn’t right.”
Hands on my hips, I turn in a careful circle to make sure I don’t accidentally step in lava and melt my foot. That would be an expensive problem.
This planet is giving dystopian hellscape, but instead of desert, we have lava seeping up from the ground. In the distance the lights of civilization burn, but they’re far enough away that I can’t tell how long it would take me to walk there. Probably an hour, at least, and then I’d have to be done walking for a couple of days.
“So where did you bring me this time?”
“Chirrp.” That sounds slightly less sure than the other chirps the little guy has offered.
“Well, if you’re not a fan of this place, you can take me home where we’ll at least be comfortable. I could make us ice cream sundaes as a reward for getting home safe n’ sound.”
“Chiiirrrp.”
“The plaintive note in that little chirp is not giving going-home-for-ice-cream.”
The flink curls its tail a little tighter, gives a loud yawn, pushes its face in my hair, and…
Starts snoring.
I guess all that teleporting tuckered the baby out.
I sigh, look around again, and start walking toward the lights of civilization. It doesn’t really matter how long the baby needs to sleep before they recharge enough to get us home, because I’m in need of the things necessary for survival: water, food, and shelter.
