“You don’t mean that. Open the door, Elijah. I have a welcome home gift for you.”
“Motherfucker!” I scream as a weight lands on my shoulder.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!” The creature screams toward the door, shaking its little fists like it’s as offended by Stalker Steve as I am.
BAM!
That’s the sound of Stalker Steve—no, I will not refer to him as anything else—kicking on my door.
“Stop it!” I scream at him through the door.
“Open the door!”
“Fuck you! I’m calling the police!” This city has a response time of just under two minutes. He won’t even get to his car before they arrive—if I could call them. My phone died on the airplane and I haven’t had the chance to plug it in yet. My charger is in my luggage by the front door.
The banging stops, and then the creature on my shoulder wraps its tail around my neck, upper hands around my forehead, and lower hands around my chin. It chirps at me or the door; I can’t tell which because I can’t see it. It has a lot to say though.
“Yeah, he’s a jackass,” I agree, even though I have no idea what the creature is saying.
“Chirrup-chirp-chirrup-chirp-chirp.” It sounds like it’s chastising me.
“Yeah, I know. You’re totally right. I do have terrible taste in men. I cannot be trusted to make these kinds of decisions.”
“Chirp.” That’s one hundred percent the creature agreeing with me.
“We should probably leave before he comes back. That note over there says he’s already broken into the apartment once,” I suggest as I gather up my courage to try to dislodge the creature from my head.
It chitters at me, the air pressure in the apartment suddenly drops out, leaving me gasping, then everything goes blank for a blink. A thunderous clap rings my ears, and suddenly I am no longer in my apartment. Dry air filled with the scent of burning weeds fills my lungs as the sight of a rust-colored landscape swims in my vision. Scrubby plants litter the rocky terrain, and—
“Oh my fucking god. Is that a stegosaurus?” I gasp at the sight of—it’s a motherfucking dinosaur.
A. Dinosaur.
“Is that what Earthlings are calling us now?” thestegosaurusasks, side-eyeing me.
Then it shimmers and disappears, and in its place is a naked person with a huge dick.
“You are very naked,” I point out, staring at the massive schlong just hanging there for all and sundry to see.
Me. I’m all and sundry.
“And you’re wearing clothes in my realm. What if clothes are offensive here? You could be insulting my entire culture just by standing there with your pants on. Ever think of that?”
“Oh shit! Am I insulting your entire culture by wearing clothes?” I ask, grabbing at my shirt to take it off. I just got back from Europe—you don’t even realize how offensive just being American can be in some places.
The stegosaurus person waves me off. “Nah. I’m just saying, you didn’t even know my species existed before today and you’re already judging us because we’re not into sweating our balls off in the name of fashion or human modesty.”
I blink and nod, reminding myself that I have a creature attached to my head still. “I wasn’t judging your culture. I was judging your dick. It’s big. And nice. I would definitely give it a go if sex was on the table. It’s not because I’m genuinely afraid of an interspecies exchange, but if it was, it’s a nice dick.”
The stegosaurus gives his dick a light tug. “Thanks. I’m not into Earthlings anyway. Reptiles only for me.”
“That’s a little xenophobic,” I point out.
“Is it, though? Not all species are monster fuckers.”
“Is that a trait exclusive to humans?” I wonder.
“No, but that doesn’t mean it’s xenophobic to not want to fuck around outside your species.”
