Tank's face flashes through my mind.The fear in his eyes when I almost dropped that glass.The way he stood up without thinking.The quiet protectiveness that's been following me for days.
He wants to help.I know he does.
But I can't let him.I can't drag him into this.I can't risk Declan turning his attention toward Tank.
I can't risk losing someone else because I wasn't strong enough to handle this alone.
So I'll keep pushing through.Keep pretending I'm fine.Keep protecting everyone by keeping them at arm's length.
Even if it means drowning.
Even if it means facing Declan alone.
Even if I'm terrified I won't survive it this time.
11
TANK
Aweek.
It's been a week since I watched Enya walk home shaking, since I sat outside her building until dawn making sure no one came near.A week of watching her fade, getting paler, jumpier, more exhausted with each passing day.
A week of keeping my distance like I promised.Respecting her space.Not pushing.
And it's fucking killing me.
I lean against my bike outside the clubhouse, cigarette burning between my fingers even though I quit months ago.I can't seem to shake the habit when I'm stressed.And I'm stressed as fuck.
I haven't slept properly in days.Every time I close my eyes, I see her face.The terror when she read that message, the way her hands shook, the haunted look that's only gotten worse.
"You good?"Cowboy's voice cuts through my thoughts.He's leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, that concerned look on his face I'm getting tired of seeing.
"Grand."
"Liar."He moves closer, lowering his voice."You've been off all week.At church yesterday, you looked like you wanted to murder someone.What's going on?"
I take a drag, blow smoke into the gray Dublin morning."Just shite.Nothing I can't handle."
"Right."He doesn't believe me.I can see it written all over his face."Well, if you need backup..."
"I know where to find you.Thanks."
He heads back inside, and I'm left alone with my cigarette and my thoughts.Both are toxic.
I stub out the cigarette, climb on my bike, and head toward the city.Same routine as every day this week.Check the pub.Watch for threats.Make sure she's safe.
Even if she doesn't want me to.
Even if she'd tell me to fuck off if she knew.
* * *
I park down the street from O'Hara's around noon, in the usual spot where I can see the entrance, the alley, anyone approaching.
And that's when I see him.
Same man from before.Hood up, hands in pockets, leaning against the building across the street.Just standing there.Watching.
