"It's not that simple."
"Then make it simple," she says, and there's a challenge in her voice now.Heat underneath the ice.
I open my mouth.Close it.How do I explain this without sounding like I'm making excuses?How do I tell her that saying Emma's name had nothing to do with wanting Emma and everything to do with my own fucked-up head?
"I wasn't thinking about her," I say finally."I was thinking about you.Only you."
She stares at me, and I can see her trying to decide if she believes me."Then why'd you say her name?"
"I don't know."It's the truth.The honest, painful truth."It just came out.Like some reflex I didn't know I still had.But it wasn't because I wanted her there.I wanted you.Only you."
Enya's still watching me, and I can see the war playing out on her face.Part of her wants to walk away.Part of her wants to believe me.
"It doesn't matter," she says finally, but her voice is softer now.Less certain."Even if that's true, and I'm not saying I believe you, it doesn't change anything."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't do this."She glances around, checking if anyone's listening, then drops her voice lower."I can't let someone in who's still carrying someone else around in their head.It won't end well.I’ve been on the receiving end of being someone’s second choice.I won’t do it again."
There's pain underneath those words.Real pain.Someone hurt her; made her feel like she wasn't enough.
And I did the same fucking thing.
"I'm not asking you to let me in," I say."I'm just asking you to let me apologize properly.Hear me out.That's it."
"And then what?"
"Then nothing.If you want me gone, I'm gone.But you deserve better than what I gave you that night."
She's quiet, considering.I can see her turning it over in her mind, weighing options, building and rebuilding walls.
Then she says, "Five minutes.That's it."
Relief floods through me so hard I nearly sag."That's all I need."
She glances around the crowded clubhouse."Not here."
"Where?"
"Outside."
I nod.She turns and walks toward the back exit, and I follow, my heart pounding like it's trying to break through my ribs.
This might be my only shot.My only chance to make this right.
I can't fuck it up again.
We make it outside and Enya stops near the wall, arms crossed, waiting.
I take a breath."Emma was my ex, from before the club.We ended badly.She left because I was destroying myself and she couldn't watch anymore.She moved on quickly.Not even a week later she was dating my brother."
Enya's expression doesn't change, but she's listening.Really listening.
"That night with you," I continue, the words coming easier now, "I wasn't thinking about her.I swear to Christ I wasn't.You were…" I stop, searching for the right words."You were real.More real than anyone I've been with in...I don't know how long, and that scared the shite out of me."
Her arms tighten across her chest, but I see something flicker in her eyes.Understanding, maybe.
"So somewhere in my fucked-up head," I explain, "I think I self-sabotaged.Said her name because it was safe.Because it meant you'd kick me out and I wouldn't have to deal with whatever the fuck I was feeling."
