I shook my head. “It was stupid. It wasn’t even satisfying. If anything, it had left me feeling more pent up, more frustrated. So, I thought I neededmoresex before I’d enjoy it with a woman who wasn’t you. What I didn’t realize is that the difference was that I didn’t love Aubrey. And I did love you. The chemistry between you and me was totally different than the chemistry I had with Aubrey. She gave off sex vibes all the time, with any guy. You weren’t like that. Sex with you meant something. It was making love. With her? It was just fucking.”
She didn’t say anything but seemed to accept my explanation. “And the videos?”
“I had no idea she’d been filming us. I’m still not totally sure how she did it. If I’d known, I would have handled ending things with her a little differently.”
“You really did end things with her before I came back to campus?”
“Yeah. It was right before you came back. That’s when she said she’d tell you if I didn’t pay for her to get implants. I said no way, and, well, you know the rest.” I paused to take a sip of wine, wishing it was a beer or whiskey. “I had no clue what was coming. She did say I’d regret it, but I had no idea she was planning to burn my world down and drag you down with it.”
“So, the videos were the only times you were with her that way?”
I nodded. “Yes. The physical cheating was six times over the span of a couple of weeks. Any number of times was too much, obviously, but that was the extent of it.”
We talked for a while about what happened after my injury and how my inflated sense of self shrank rapidly. How it had been humbling seeing that people had only cared about me because of my prowess on the football field. And how fast Candy ditched me once she knew I’d never play in the NFL.
“Do you think that if you hadn’t gotten hurt, you’d still be like that? Arrogant with an overinflated ego?”
“I’d like to think I wouldn’t be. I wasn’t like that in high school. I’m not like that now. I’d hope that I would’ve come to my senses and returned to who I’d always been whether I’d been hurt or not. But I don’t really know.”
She turned and studied my face. “And Aubrey? Do you think the two of you would’ve stayed together if we’d broken up before the summer?”
“Absolutely not. I would have broken up with her even if you weren’t still my girlfriend at that point. I didn’t even like her,” I said, putting my face in my hands. “My main attraction to her was the way she talked about me, like I was invincible or something.”
“But you were attracted to her physically.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Yes. I’m not going to lie to you. I was physically attracted to her for a while. But that had started to really wane as well. In fact, I already had a plan to try to get you back.” I chuckled. “It would’ve failed miserably, but I was so self-important there was still this part of me that thought you’d welcome me back with open arms. I was clearly delusional.”
“Clearly,” she agreed.
“I’ve regretted all of it every day since then. There will always be part of me that loves you, Sadie. Always.” I smiled at her sadly. I couldn’t tell her that it was more than just a part of me. It was all of me. I didn’t want to scare her away.
“I guess I have that for you, too.”
“Yeah?” I was shocked.
She nodded. “You ruined me. At first, I thought it was just because of cheating on me, making me doubt myself, all of that. But later I saw that it was who you were before all of that happened. I dated a lot of guys after you. But I never connected with any of them on an emotional, or physical, level like I did with you.”
I didn’t want to hear about how many guys she’d been physical with even though I totally deserved it.
“And I couldn’t ever trust anyone. I’d get to a certain point in the relationship and just couldn’t go any further, even if I liked them.”
I winced. “I’m so fucking sorry, Sadie. I can’t believe I could ever have been that jackass that hurt you so bad. You were my favorite person on the planet. Andthat’sthe way I treated you. Yes, I was young and had been catapulted into fame. But that’s no excuse. Lots of people go through similar things but manage to stay with their girlfriends and not become estranged from their friends and family. I just crashed and burned. My parents really did a lot of soul-searching wondering where they went wrong raising me. But it wasn’t anything they did. I was raised to know better.”
She cleared her throat. “Being around you the past few months has made me remember how much fun we had together and why I loved you in the first place.”
“It has?” I could feel my heart pounding with hope that she was going to give us another chance.
“Yes.”
“What does that mean for us?” I asked softly. “Anything?”
“I’d… like to be friends again. But I’m not sure I know how to do that with you.”
“What do you mean?”
She looked at me. “We have so much romantic history. I think it would always be hard for me to see you with someone else. So, I don’t know if I can truly ever be friends with you.”
“I can’t lie. I feel the same way.” I gave her a sheepish grin. “I thought Tim was your date.”
