Levi now sat in his car seat smiling from ear to ear with his toy clutched in his hands.
Sometimes I wondered what it’d be like to be taken care of instead of taking care of everybody. What having the load lightened would be like. Wonder if my choice of a baby father cursed my son because his daddy wasn’t shit. My son’s four and hadn’t seen him but a handful of times in his life.
“TT Erin.”
“Yes, we’re about to get TT Erin.”
Our life was routine.
My little sister’s school wasn’t far from his daycare. Everything was convenient to my job. That’s one thing I always make certain of, that life was easy for all of us, not just me. I don’t do things with only myself in mind. I knew what it was like being miserable growing up because I was never considered. I didn’t want that for Levi or Erin.
“Levi!” Erin screeched, not even acknowledging me when she opened the car door and kissing him before getting in the front.
“Well, hey miss thang,” I greeted her.
“Hey, sister.” She smiled.
“You get in my car and don’t even speak to me.” I shook my head.
“Never. I love you.” She laughed and Levi joined her like he understood what she was saying.
Erin has been in my custody for years now, before Levi was born. Our mother dropped her off in the middle of the night and never came back for her. No note or anything. Went by the house, it was still furnished, but she was gone. Most of her clothing, gone.
That night changed me.
I chased her ghost for over a year until I realized she didn’t want to be found. It forced me from being a big sister to a parent. Erin was my first baby.
My mother was a lustful being with a part-time habit. Growing up, she would leave me home to take care of Erin while she binged, followed behind men or both. I tried getting her some help. The family tried, but she didn’t want it. You can’t help those that doesn’t want to be helped. I had to make peace with Erin was the responsibility my mother put on hold, to live her life. She traded us for the streets.
“What y’all want for dinner?”
“Alfredo,” Erin replied.
“You need some vegetables. That’s all you be wanting is pasta.”
“Dang, Eris.” She huffed. “You know I don’t like vegetables. It’s okay to eat other stuff sometimes.”
“As long as you’re under my roof and I buy your food, you’ll eat what I say.”
“You’re acting like you’re my momma,” she murmured.
“Say it again. You weren’t loud enough,” I challenged.
“Nothing,” she mumbled.
“Who’s the one that takes care of you?”
She smacked her teeth. “You.”
“I might as well be your mama. Don’t play with me, Erin. Watch your damn mouth.”
Sometimes raising a teen was challenging and exhausting. Erin and I were constantly butting heads, and I didn’t understand why. It’s not like I wasn’t there for her. I make sure to talk with her to keep up to date on her life and everything. Even had her in therapy. But sometimes I couldn’t help but feel she hated me for taking over mom’s spot.
Instead of going to the grocery store, I went to Adrienne’s, a restaurant not too far away from home to grab take-out. I didn’t have the energy anymore to cook because Erin’s comment got to me. I needed a breather and didn’t want them seeing meemotional. Erin was a teen and uses words as a weapon, not understanding some shit you say can’t be taken back.
“Welcome to Adrienne’s. How can I help you today?” the hostess greeted.
“Placing a to-go order.”
