Santino casts me an approving smile right before he takes a huge bite out of his sausage. A mix of ketchup and mustard oozes out the corner of his mouth and his tongue darts out to lick it up.
“Mmm, this is so good,” he moans around a mouthful of food. His eyes are closed as he chews, like this is the best meal he’s ever had in his life.
A yearning grows inside me at the sight of him. At how easily he’s able to enjoy the simple things. I want to be like that too. I want to shake off this heaviness weighing me down. I want to laugh with my friends while sitting in a park, having lunch on a beautiful summer day. I don’t want to feel this empty, hollowness anymore. I don’t want to hear the voice in my head all the time.
Santino’s eyes flutter open and he catches me watching. “What? Do I have something on my face?” He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
The move is so innocent, so unselfconscious, it makes me smile. Just a small one. I’ve been trying to do that more often. Just to make sure my cheeks don’t forget what it feels like. I shake my head. “No, you’re perfect.”
Santino pauses for a moment. Did I mean perfect as in he doesn’t have food on his face? Or did I mean perfect because he is actually perfect in every conceivable way? I don’t know what I meant when the words slipped off my tongue, but now I’m leaning toward the latter.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
SANTINO
Hayden and I were supposed to film our second video together, but Sebastian ended up rescheduling it. He didn’t say why, but I’m pretty sure he wanted to wait until Hayden was able to get in and see that therapist of his first. And since I’m not going back to San Francisco just yet, there’s no rush.
So instead, we’re filming the bachelor party scenes for the documentary—in Atlantic City.
Noel’s pretty pissed about it, actually. He wanted to go to Miami or Cabo or something like that. But Sebastian vetoed those ideas, saying they were too far away and we’re on a strict timeline and budget.
I don’t know what Noel’s complaining about. Atlantic City looks pretty cool to me. We’re at this really nice resort that’s right on the water. The room Hayden and I are sharing has a super dope view of the ocean. Sebastian’s got a whole itinerary planned for us—hanging out by the pool, couples massages for Noel and Bellamy in the spa, fancy dinner at the hotel’s rooftop restaurant, then partying at a gay strip club.
“Miami would be so much nicer. It’s notthatfar away,” Noel grumbles as he pouts on his lounge chair. We’ve taken over a whole row of them by the outdoor pool.
“Oh my god, will you please shut up!” Rhys exclaims as he rubs sunscreen on Angel’s back.
“I’m just saying,” Noel continues. “I don’t mind paying for it. It’s my bachelor party, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I get to go where I want?”
Sitting on the chair next to him, Bellamy reaches over and pats Noel on the shoulder. “There, there, honey. We can go to Miami some other time. It’s not like you’ve never been before.”
“That’s not the point.” Noel glares at him and manages to pout even harder.
I have zero interest in getting involved with that argument. Instead, my gaze settles on Hayden, who’s setting up the GoPros so he can hand them out to everyone.
He’s wearing baggy shorts and a baggy t-shirt that hang off his body more than they should. The baseball cap he’s wearing is pulled low over his eyes. He’s been pretty quiet during the trip so far, only really talking when someone asks him a question. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone and always hangs back at the edge of the group.
Honestly? He looks miserable. But I don’t know. Maybe that’s the best we can hope for, considering. I mean, I hate thinking that, but at least he hasn’t had one of those episodes where he spirals out of control and breaks down in tears. That’s good, right? He’s moving slower than he normally would, like every task is way more difficult than it should be, but it could be so much worse.
I can tell he’s trying, forcing a smile when he needs to, pretending he’s having a good time. This is Noel and Bellamy’s bachelor party and we’re supposed to be having fun andcelebrating. He doesn’t want to steal attention away from his friends or ruin the trip for everyone.
If anybody asked me, I’d say Noel was doing a better job of ruining the mood than Hayden. But no one asked me, so whatever.
We spend the next hour or so at the pool. Rhys and Noel stay on the lounge chairs and bicker, while Bellamy, Angel, Christian, and I play keep-up with a beach ball in the water. We’ve each got GoPros strapped to our wrists and Sebastian and Hayden circle around us on the deck with their cameras.
It’s fun. I have a good time. Mostly. It’s hard to truly enjoy myself when I’m worried about Hayden. I don’t want to be overbearing, though. He’ll just feel more like a burden if I hover too much. So I keep an eye on him and try to check in without being too obvious.
On the deck, Sebastian checks the time, then calls it. “We’re good here. Noel and Bellamy need to get to their massage appointment. The rest of you can chill until dinner.”
Hayden grabs an armful of towels and hands them out as we climb from the pool. I put my hand on the last one, but I don’t take it until he meets my gaze.
I don’t ask if he’s okay. I can already tell he’s not. He holds himself like he’s bracing for impact, tension radiating off his body. He’s chewing a hole through his bottom lip. His eyes have a slightly vacant look in them, like he’s not a hundred percent here.
I need to get him back to our room so he can rest.
I help him gather all the GoPros and stuff them into the equipment cases. Then the second Sebastian gives us the okay, I take Hayden’s hand and drag him toward the elevators.
