I shake my head. I’m not wonderful. I’m fucked up and defective. Selfish and manipulative. A burden. A nuisance. I make life harder for all my friends. If he stays with me, I’ll make life unbearable for Santino too. I’m a mess and he should run as far away as he possibly can.
“Yes, you are.” Santino nods. “I don’t care what that fucking voice is saying in your head. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”
I’m still shaking my head and tears are trailing down my cheeks as I fall into Santino, letting him pull me tightly against him. My arms wrap around his waist. My face is buried in the crook of his neck. He whispers kind words that peel off layer after layer of skin.
“You are so smart. I don’t know anyone else who reads as much as you do.”
But I haven’t read a book in weeks.
“You’re so talented in the kitchen. You cook better than my mom. Better than the chefs at the restaurant.”
I’m cooking less than half as much as I used to.
“You’re incredibly selfless. You put all your friends before yourself. Even when you shouldn’t.”
That’s not true. I’m selfish. I’ve been using him. If I was selfless, I should be pushing him away so he doesn’t waste his time with me.”
“You’re really fucking hot. Like one of those Greek gods. Which one is the really hot one?”
“Adonis,” I mumble into his neck.
“Yeah, that guy. You’re Adonis.”
Except my dick won’t get hard unless I take drugs.
“Want me to keep going?”
I shake my head, but Santino doesn’t listen.
“Not only are you hot, but you’re adorable too. Like a puppy. Your heart is so pure and all you want is to be happy and full of joy. You’re incredibly responsible and reliable. Sebastian always turns to you first whenever he needs help. You’re so supportive of your friends, always hyping them up to other people.”
The tears flow as Santino’s words strip me bare. I’m raw and exposed with no defenses left to protect me. I want to be all the things Santino’s described. I used to be all those things. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find my way back to that version of myself. Old Hayden might not exist anymore. He might be lost forever.
Santino guides me to the couch and helps me sit down. “Hold on, just one sec.” He rushes to the bedroom and comes running back with all the blankets in his arms. “I didn’t want us to get cold,” he explains as he lays the blankets over me.
We cuddle on the couch until my tears slow and stop. I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to sleep. I feel like I’ve been sleeping for days and it’s only making me more tired. I rest my head on Santino’s shoulder. He tilts his head to rest it against mine. Together, we stare across the living room at nothing.
“Is everything okay with your mom?” I ask, remembering his phone call.
Santino heaves a sigh. “No, everything is super not okay. She thinks I don’t love her and that’s why I’m moving so far away from her. But…” He pauses and nuzzles the top of my head. When he speaks again, his voice is laced with remorse rather than anger. “She’s probably just scared. Both my sisters live within ten minutes of my parents. They’ve never had a kid who up and left and my mom doesn’t know how to handle it.”
“Will she get over it?” Because my family couldn’t care less who stayed or who left and they certainly wouldn’t get upset over it.
“I hope so. I should text my sisters and tell them what happened. They can check in on her in case she has a relapse.”
“A relapse?” That doesn’t sound good. A thread of guilt tightens around me at the possibility that I’ve caused Santino’s mom to succumb to her depression again.
“It’s not really a relapse. That’s just what we call it. It’s more like she gets stuck inside her own head and she can’t snap out of it to see reason.”
His description lands with painful accuracy. “Like me.”
Santino pauses for a beat before speaking again. “Is that what it feels like for you?”
I don’t know exactly how it feels, except it hurts. I’ve never quite been able to put it into words. “Kind of.”
Santino presses a kiss to the top of my head. “We’ll find a way to get you out. I promise.”
I want to believe him. But I’m afraid that’s a promise he won’t be able to keep.
