I bracket both sides of his face and tilt it up so he has no choice but to look at me. The normally brilliant green of his eyes looks muddy and dull. His eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are tear-stained. He looks like he’s given up. Like he’s done fighting. Like he’s going to do whatever that goddamn voice in his head tells him to do.
“Babe, look at me. You can’t give up. You can’t stop fighting. I know it’s hard. I know it feels impossible, but you can do it. I know you can. You don’t have to do it on your own. You’ve got me. You’ve got all your friends. We’re getting you help. You just have to hang in there a little bit longer.”
He squeezes his eyes shut as a few more tears slip free of his lashes. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”
The anguish in his voice makes my own eyes sting with tears. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate that I can’t whisk him away from all his demons and hide him somewhere they’ll never find him.
I touch my forehead to his. “Just a little bit longer,” I whisper into the small space between us.
A tortured sound escapes him. It tears through me, leaving me raw and fragile. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. Like I can only breathe if he breathes. Like my heart can only beat when his beats. Like my very existence hinges on Hayden’s well-being.
I’m pretty sure I'm in love with him. I don’t know what else this feeling could be. Maybe I just feel important and needed in a way I’ve never been before. Maybe I’m taking advantage of the guy and inserting myself into his life when he’s at his most vulnerable. But I don’t think it’s either of those. Because deep in my heart of hearts, I truly believe that no matter how we could’ve met, we would’ve been drawn to each other. No matter what either of us is going through, we would’ve found comfort and solace in each other’s souls. Isn’t that what love is?
A soft knock sounds at the door. “Guys, everything okay in there?” It’s Sebastian.
I lean back just enough to give Hayden a questioning look. Does he need more time? Is he ready to get the hell out of here?
He nods, just a small motion.
“Yeah, we’re good,” I call back to Sebastian.
Hayden goes to the sink and splashes some water on his face. I grab his hat from the floor and help him reposition it on his head.
“Ready?”
His one shoulder rises and falls, the movement so dejected I can’t stand it. Without thinking, I lift my chin, push onto my toes and plant a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth. He blinks in surprise, like he doesn’t understand why I would want to kisshim. What I can’t understand is why I haven’t been kissing him more. I should’ve been kissing him non-stop since our scene. I should’ve been showing him how much I want him, how much I would hurt if he wasn’t here.
Hayden’s hands come to my waist and he closes the distance between us. I sigh into the kiss as tingles spread across my cheeks and my scalp, then down my arms. I press myself against him, heat pooling in my groin.
I love this man. That’s it. I’ve decided. With every cell in my body, with every breath in my lungs. I love his vulnerability and his beauty in the midst of his brokenness. I love how he nerds out over books. I love how he likes cooking from scratch. I love his quiet brightness, how much he shines even when he never seeks the spotlight.
When we break the kiss, there's still so much sadness in his eyes, so much defeat in the line of his mouth. Worry eats away at me as I run my fingers over his forehead, cheeks, jaw, trying to erase that look from his face. He can’t give up. He has so much to live for. He needs to keep fighting.
Hayden reaches up and takes my hands by the wrists. One at a time, he plants kisses on my palms.
“Hayden.” My voice breaks when I say his name. I don’t want to lose him. Not when I’ve just found him. We haven’t had enough time together.
A knock at the door again. “You guys coming out any time soon?” Sebastian calls.
Hayden drops his chin to his chest with an air of resignation that I don’t like. As he takes a step toward the door, I grab his hand and intertwine our fingers. Clutching it tightly, I press myself against his arm, wrapping my other hand around his bicep and holding it to my chest. I’m not letting go of him. I don’t care what he says or what happens when we walk outside. I’m not ever letting him go.
Hayden opens the door and Sebastian gives us both quick, assessing looks.
“Everything alright?”
Neither of us responds. I’m not alright and Hayden definitely isn’t either. We stare at Sebastian in silence and I guess that’s enough of an answer for him.
Out in the dressing room, everything’s already packed up and stacked in neat piles. Bellamy and Noel are standing together, gazing into each other’s eyes, as if no one else exists in the whole wide world. The love emanating from them is thick and sickeningly sweet.
I know the moment Hayden clocks them because he stiffens, his hand tightening in mine. I mean, yeah, Bellamy and Noel are like, obnoxiously in love with each other. But the way Hayden turns sharply away feels like more than just annoyance with their public display of affection. It’s more like he’s disgusted or offended. He heads straight for the store’s main entrance and by the time we get there, he’s shaking, breathing hard, wound up with tension.
“Hey, bro,” I call to Sebastian. “I’m taking Hayden home.”
“Cool. Thanks,” Sebastian calls back.
The summer heat hits us as we step out onto the sidewalk, but it doesn’t help with Hayden’s shaking. If anything, his breathing gets more labored with the heavy, humid air.
I’m quick to find a cab that will take us home and when we slide into the backseat, Hayden slumps low, wrapping his arms around his middle. I loop my arm around his shoulders and pull him to me. He resists for a moment, like he doesn’t want the comfort I’m offering, but then he melts into my side.
