They’re all waiting to get rid of you.
They’re going to pawn you off to a shrink and wash their hands of you.
You’re a burden they never asked for.
You’re a waste of space, a deadbeat.
You have nothing to live for.
You’re better off dead.
I flip the deadbolt on the door and sag against it. I can’t breathe. My vision goes black around the edges. I push the heels of my hands into my eyes. I try to scream, but no sound comes out. Just emptiness. Nothingness. An echoing cavern of silence.
I’m tired. Just so tired.
So give up.
Tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of staying strong and pushing through. Tired of hoping things will get better when they never do.
Just give up.
I’m afraid it’ll get worse. That I’m a lost cause. That there’s no cure, and even if there is, it won’t work on me.
Give up.
I want to. I want to give up and end it. So I’ll stop hurting, stop being in pain. The darkness and the voice can’t get to me when I’m dead. Everyone will be relieved. It will solve all our problems.
“Hayden?” Santino raps his knuckles on the other side of the door. “You in there?”
I jump, relief and shame swirling inside me. He came for me. He noticed I was missing and came searching for me. Again. Because I keep fucking up. Because I keep needing to be saved.
“Hayden? Are you okay?”
I stifle a sob. I’m not okay. I need help. But how do I ask for help I don’t deserve?
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
SANTINO
“Hayden? Babe? Can you let me in?” I try to keep my voice steady and calm, even though I want to pound on the door and demand he open the damn thing.
Hayden had been doing okay for most of the day. I mean, not great, not by a long shot, but he’d been managing. He was present and engaged, not disconnecting from the group and drifting off on his own.
But that all changed in a second. I have no idea what happened and I’m not even sure how I knew. One moment, I was getting good vibes from him, and the next, I wasn’t.
He wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. His body language was all tense and jerky. He wasthis closeto chewing a hole through his bottom lip.
But we were in the middle of a take and I didn’t want to interrupt everything. It would’ve drawn too much attention when he’d already been bristling over everyone treating him with kid gloves.
Then he ran away and locked himself in the bathroom.
What the fuck, Hayden. Let me the fuck inside.
“Please, babe? I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Silence. Nothing. Fuck this. I’ll just ask the store manager for the goddamn key.
