On the other side of Hayden, Rhys sniffles. He tilts his head back like that’s going to stop the steady stream of tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Is it all the time? Or does it come and go?” Sebastian prompts.
“Comes and goes,” Hayden answers. “But it’s never really gone. Not really. It’s always there.”
I think of the voice. The one whispering all those ugly, awful things to Hayden. I don’t know if it’s like, a metaphorical voice, or if he’s actually hearing things that aren’t there. I mean, either way, it’s bad. But if it’s always there, always whispering, sometimes shouting… Jesus, that would drive anyone insane.
“I think—” I cut myself off when Sebastian flicks his gaze to me. It’s sharp and calculating, like his brain is running at a hundred miles an hour. I gulp and push forward. “I think he needs to see someone. Like a therapist.”
Hayden flinches, but he doesn’t say no.
“There’s nothing wrong with seeing a therapist,” Sebastian continues. “I have a therapist.”
Rhys nods in agreement.
“My mom…” I pause, uncertain if I should be comparing Hayden to my mom. They’re different people, going through different things. But if it can help… “She had depression after my grandmother died. She started seeing a therapist and learned a bunch of techniques to manage her moods. She still sees a therapist now, even though it’s been years.”
Sebastian nods as if I’ve made a good point. “I think a therapist is a good idea. I can call mine and see if she’s taking new clients. She knows what we do for a living and she’s cool with it, for what that’s worth.”
Hayden’s still unsure.
“I can go with you, if you want,” I offer.
“I can too,” Rhys jumps in and I have to bite back a snarky comment about too little, too late.
“You don’t have to,” Hayden says, though it’s not clear who exactly he’s talking to. “I mean, yeah, I’ll go see someone, but you guys don’t have to come with me.” His voice trails off, the last few words coming out in a mumble.
Like hell I’m not going with him. As if I’d let him face that on his own.
Over Hayden’s head, I catch Rhys’s gaze. We share a knowing look and I recognize the stubborn determination in his eyes. We’re thinking the same thing. Hayden’s not getting rid of us so easily.
“Good. Cool.” Sebastian reaches for his laptop. “I’ll have something set up and send you the info. In the meantime, I can find someone else to help with the cameras and we can reschedule your shoots.”
Hayden’s head snaps up, his breath caught in his chest. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He looks conflicted, like he doesn’t know if he should agree to Sebastian’s suggestion. We watch him expectantly, waiting for him to put words to whatever’s running through that beautiful head of his.
“I, um, I can still work. If you still want me.”
“If I still want you?” Sebastian repeats the weird phrase, head cocked in confusion.
“If you want to find someone better.”
A look of remorse comes over Sebastian’s face and for a second, I can see the soft-hearted, compassionate friend underneath the hardnosed, solution-focused strategist.
He puts a hand on Hayden’s knee and leans in to stare Hayden in the eye. “There is no one better. You’re the best.”
“I just don’t want to get in everyone’s way.” Hayden is so quiet we all have to lean in to hear him.
“You’re not in our way. Trust me, I’d tell you if you were.” Sebastian doesn’t sound comforting anymore. He sounds like a director who doesn’t take shit from anyone. “We wouldn’t have gotten this far on the documentary if it hadn’t been for your help.”
Hayden sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut. “You don’t have to say that.”
Sebastian’s brows slam together in a scowl. “I’mnotjust saying that. It’s the truth. I know it’s hard for you to believe right now, but I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
“Seriously. Sebastian doesn’t joke around about work,” Rhys adds.
Hayden chews on his lip and I can tell the lie is still ringing loud in his head. I give him a squeeze, hoping he can feel how much I care for him.
It was only a couple weeks ago, but I can’t quite remember what my life was like before Hayden was in it. San Francisco feels so far away, not just like, distance-wise, but time-wise too. It feels like a lifetime ago.
