“Well, then who are they? What are you doing with them?”
Oh come on. Seriously? “It’s, uh, Bellamy and some of his friends. You know Bellamy? My old roommate?”
Now Mom sounds annoyed. “Yeah, I know Bellamy. Why did you say I don’t know them when I do?”
“I don’t know, Mom. It doesn’t matter. What do you need me to look up for you?” I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
“Insoles. The doctor says I need orthotics, but the custom ones are too expensive. So I want to get insoles instead. Can you get me some insoles?”
“Um…” My mind blanks. I’ve never bought insoles before. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Why is she askingme? Why can’t she ask my sisters who both live ten minutes from her house? “Can’t Paola or Lucia get them for you?”
Mom tsks at me. “No, no, they’ll get the wrong ones. You have to get them for me.”
“I don’t even know what size shoes you wear, Mom.”
She doesn’t skip a beat. “Size seven. And make sure they have good arch support. I can never find ones with good arch support.”
“Um, okay?” I say, resigning myself to researching insoles later tonight.
“When will you be home?”
I don’t know how to answer that question. Where even is home right now? San Francisco, where there’s nothing and no one waiting for me? Santa Cruz, where my family is chomping atthe bit to smother me? Or here. In Hayden’s apartment. Where I feel more free than I ever have before?
“Um, I’m not sure,” I say, choking on my words. “But I’ll have the insoles delivered to your place.”
“Good. Make sure to do overnight shipping. I love you, Tino. Muah.”
Guilt makes my stomach feel as heavy as a rock. “Love you too, Mom.”
When I turn back toward the room, Sebastian and Bellamy are packing up the equipment while Noel stands around looking bored. There’s no sign of Hayden.
Sebastian notices me scanning the room. “He went home. Said he was tired and wanted to nap.”
“Oh.” Disappointment hits me like a truck. He didn’t say goodbye before leaving. He left without me. We were going to go sightseeing with Bellamy and Noel this afternoon. He seemed okay earlier. Did I miss something?
“He said you should still go to Rockefeller,” Sebastian adds, giving me a look that speaks volumes. Like maybe Hayden wants to be alone. Like maybe he doesn’t want me around.
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
HAYDEN
We were supposed to go to Rockefeller Center with Noel and Bellamy. We were planning to go up to the observation deck on the Chrysler Building. Santino was really excited about it and I kind of was too. He hasn’t done a lot of touristy stuff in the city—mostly because of me—and I wanted to take him to do something fun.
But then the darkness started creeping in.
It never really went away, but the day after our shoot together, I almost couldn’t feel it at all. I almost felt like my old self again.
It didn’t last though. The darkness inched closer and closer with each passing day. The voice got louder and louder. I tried to keep it at bay. I tried to ignore it and focus on all the happy, joyful things I was doing with Santino. But the ache in my chest just wouldn’t let up.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what will happen after Santino finished the projects he’s working on. Is he going home? Is he staying? What if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him? Whatif he’s just humoring me because I’m giving him somewhere to crash?
The rational part of my brain understood that there was no point in obsessing over these questions. But the darkness didn’t care and the voice was more than loud enough to drown out all reason.
Of course, he’s leaving. If not for California, then at least to get away from you. Because you’re a pathetic waste of space. You’re a parasite. You’re worthless. It’s only a matter of time before all your so-called friends turn on you.
It was really bad when I got up this morning. I could barely get out of bed. I felt like I was trapped under an invisible blanket made of lead. I’m actually not sure how I managed to get up. It’s a miracle I made it through the shoot and out of the bakery in one piece. My hands were shaking and every time I had to adjust a camera, I held my breath I wouldn’t ruin the shot.
