“It’s okay if you want to back out of the video tomorrow,” I say. In fact, maybe I should tell Sebastian to call the whole thing off. What kind of camboy can’t even get his scene partner aroused? A shitty one, that’s what.
“No, I…”
I can almost hear Hayden thinking, so I wait for him to gather his words.
“I think I can do it. I want to do it.”
I pull my head back so I can see his face. “You’re sure?”
Hayden blinks at me with a new resolve in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
HAYDEN
I’ve never done anything like this before and I’m not just talking about the erectile dysfunction drugs. I’ve never been so selfish before, just taking what I want, who cares how it impacts anyone else.
I should back out of the video altogether so Santino can have a partner who’s not broken. That would give the video the best chance of succeeding. But I don’t want to back out. I don’t want to see Santino with some other guy. I want to be the one he’s with in front of that camera.
I want to be the one he’s kissing, the one he’s touching. I want to wrap myself around him and lose myself in him. He was joking about magical kisses, but I think there’s some truth to that. Because when I’m with him, the darkness doesn’t feel as dark and the heaviness doesn’t feel as heavy. And my body comes alive in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time.
His kisses were so soft and sweet. He made the most delicious sounds. It was so easy for me to lose myself in him and for those few fleeting moments, I was Old Hayden again. Happy, confident, carefree.
It didn’t even matter that I couldn’t get fully hard. I still felt something—a lot of something. Heat in my stomach, tingling along my skin, shudders of pleasure down my spine.
He doesn’t owe me anything. It’s not his responsibility to make me better. If I were a good person, I would push him as far away from me as possible. But I’m not a good person. I want Santino. And now I’m going to do something I know is wrong just to keep him.
I message Sebastian.
Hayden
Hey, do we have those ?
Sebastian responds immediately.
Sebastian
You mean sildenafil?
Why? You need them?
My hands shake as I type.
Hayden
Yeah, those. Do we have them?
Sebastian
We do. Why do you need them?
No reason. Just in case.
Just in case of what?
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be nonchalant and cool and just take what I want without caring what other people think. I’m not Noel.
