“I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow, if that’s okay?” He points to the living room behind him with his thumb.
My stomach sinks at the gesture. He wants me to go out there? Sit on a couch next to him and talk? I don’t know if I can do that right now.
“I just have some questions about how it all works and everything.”
Then it hits me. This’ll be Santino’s first video with another guy. He’s probably nervous and scared, while I’m over here throwing myself a giant pity party.
You’re such an asshole. Inconsiderate. Selfish.
“Oh, yeah, sure, lemme just…” I shut the door in his face and take a few deep breaths. The voice cackles at the back of my mind.
This is going to be good.
There’s a relatively clean hoodie hanging on the back of my door that I slip on, pulling the deep hood over my head. It isn’t burying myself under the covers of my bed, but it’ll have to do.
When I reopen the door, Santino hasn’t moved. He looks worried and guilt snakes through me at how rude I’ve been. I should’ve been more attentive and made sure I addressed his concerns. I should’ve been more present and available to answer his questions.
I make sure to shut my bedroom door firmly before following Santino to the living room. I curl myself into the end of the couch, knees drawn up to my chest, hood still pulled low over my head. “So, um, how are you feeling about tomorrow?”
Santino sits in the middle of the couch instead of on the other end. His one leg is folded up so he can sit facing me, arm resting across the back of the couch. There’s maybe a foot of space between us. “Oh you know, a little nervous, but also excited. I’ve been looking forward to it.”
“You have?” I stare at him, but he doesn’t look like he’s lying.
His eyes are soft as he gazes at me. His lips are curled in that lopsided smile. He’s leaning toward me like he wants to crawl over and cuddle up beside me.
“Yeah.” He chuckles softly, dropping his gaze to the couch cushion before it drifts back up to me. “I kind of have a crush on you. I hope that’s not like, weird or anything, but I’ve watched your videos and…”
I gulp. My stomach twists into knots. That’s not really me in those videos. Not the current me, at least. All of those are Old Hayden and he’s been gone for a while now.
“I’m really glad my first video is with you,” Santino says.
More guilt crawls through me at the sincerity and trust I hear in his voice. He shouldn’t be glad about that. He shouldn’t trust me.
“How areyoufeeling about tomorrow?”
My eyes snap to his face at the unexpected question and I’m caught in his gaze. He knows. He knows everything. I can see it in the wariness around his eyes, the way his smile falters with uncertainty. The question hangs in the air between us, asking so much more than the meaning of the words themselves—am I up for this? Am I going to fuck this up for him?
“Um, good?”
His brows draw together in disbelief. “Really?”
I want to lie and laugh it off, pretend everything’s great. What darkness? What voice? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything’sfine.
But Santino will see right through it. He’s too observant. He doesn’t buy my wide smile and cheerful voice. I can’t fool him. My chin hits my chest as panic seizes my lungs. My chest is tight, my stomach cramps, and the ache sits like an anchor right on my sternum.
The couch cushions dip and before I can react, Santino is there. His hand is on my shoulder. It slides around to grip the back of my neck. He shifts closer, settling his other hand on my shin. His touch is so solid, so sure—even through the layers of my clothes. They feel grounding, like if he’s touching me, I can’t spiral out of control.
“I don’t want to do this if you’re not cool with it,” he says softly.
“I am cool. Totally cool,” I croak, convincing no one.
“I know we just met and like, I don’t know anything about you, but…”
But we both know I’m not qualified to do the video with him. “I can call Sebastian. He can find someone to replace me last minute. He’s done it before. It shouldn’t be too hard.”
Disappointment—more than I thought I’d feel—spreads through me. I don’t want Santino to do his first video with someone else. I want him to do it with me.
The hand on the back of my neck goes slack for a second before tightening again. “That’s not what I meant.”
