CHAPTER
ONE
HAYDEN
It’s a beautiful summer day in New York City and I’m miserable.
Okay, maybe not miserable, but I’m definitely not happy.
The sun is shining, the temperature is a warm seventy-five. The sidewalks are filled with locals and tourists, all wearing bright smiles. The outdoor patios are packed with diners enjoying a late weekend brunch.
I should feel alive and cheerful. I should be buzzing with energy. But I’m not—I’m just… bleh.
I can feel the sun on my face, but I’m not basking in it. I can feel the light breeze stirring the air, but it doesn’t feel refreshing. I can hear the chatter and laughter of the other pedestrians on the sidewalk, but I’m not swept up in the liveliness all around me.
My brain’s registering everything, but that’s about it. It’s not making me happy like it normally does. I’m not the cheerful, upbeat person I used to be. I haven’t been for a while.
Rhys, my best friend, hangs off my arm as we stroll down the sidewalk together. “Angel thinks it’s too expensive, but I’m like,if we’re going all the way to Disney World, we might as well stay at a Disney hotel, right?”
“Mmhmm, yeah, makes sense to me.” I try to inject as much enthusiasm into my voice as I can and hope that Rhys doesn’t notice how flat it is.
“I’m going to get him one of those hats with the Mickey Mouse ears. OMG, he’s going to be so adorable,” Rhys gushes.
“Yeah, I’m sure he will.” I force a chuckle and it sounds, well, forced.
Rhys glances up at me, brows drawn together in concern. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course I’m okay.” I paste a smile on my face that tugs uncomfortably on my cheeks. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
Rhys studies me for several moments, long enough that I’m afraid my smile is going to slip. But then he jostles me gently. “I’m just worried about you.”
“Worried?” I make a sound that’s halfway between a scoff and a laugh, but to my own ears it sounds strangled. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Rhys sighs dramatically. “You keep saying that…”
“Because it’s true.” The lie slips off my tongue and a little part of me dies inside.
Because it’snottrue. Thereissomething to worry about. I’m just not sure what.
A year ago, I would’ve been ecstatic and bouncing with excitement on a day like today. The weather is beautiful. I’m going to brunch with my best friends—Rhys, Sebastian, and Noel. I have a job I love and I live in the best city in the world.
But in the past year, things have gotten… weird. Off. I don’t really know how to explain it. I’m not usually someone who gets bothered by things. I’m an easy-going, optimistic guy. I like seeing the positives in every situation. I like celebrating all the good things in life.
But things have been getting to me. At first, it was the big things. Like when our monthly brunch date with the four of us got pushed back a week because Rhys had to spend the weekend with Angel’s family.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. We’ve had to reschedule brunches before. But then it got pushed back again because Sebastian’s boyfriend, Christian, planned a surprise getaway for them. Then again because Noel’s fiancé wanted to go to Burning Man. Then all of a sudden, an entire month had gone by and we never managed to squeeze it in.
Honestly, Old Hayden wouldn’t have even noticed we missed a month. Old Hayden would’ve been happy that his friends were doing such cool things. But it got to me for some reason. It really bothered me.
Then it became smaller and smaller things. Like I’d make enough dinner for me and Rhys, like I always do, even if he’s not home to eat it with me. But then he messages to say he’s having dinner with Angel instead. Or like I’d ask Sebastian if he wants to come over to play League of Legends and he’s busy working out with Christian. Or like I’d send a message to the group chat and no one responds for a couple hours.
It’s all perfectly normal. But it bothers me.
“I don’t like that you’re in the apartment all by yourself,” Rhys says and I get this strange pang in my chest.
That’s something that just started recently. It’s almost like an ache, right underneath my sternum. It’s not a physical pain. At least, I don’t think anything’s physically wrong with me. But I have to, like, breathe through it as if it were a muscle cramp.
“I don’t think I’d ever want to live on my own. It must be so lonely coming home to an empty apartment.”
