The hot water hits my shoulders and I nearly cry from relief. Two days of plastic chairs and vending machine food. Two days of watching Nico's chest rise and fall, counting each breath like it might be his last.
I scrub shampoo through my hair. The guilt sits heavy in my chest, a physical weight I can't wash away no matter how hard I try.
When I finally emerge from the bathroom in clean clothes Lily is waiting for me on the couch. Her eyes track my movements with that unsettling perception kids sometimes have.
"Mommy looks sad," she announces.
I force a smile. "Mommy's just tired, baby."
"Who's sick?"
I sink onto the couch beside her, pulling her warm little body against my side.
"Someone Mommy knows," I say carefully. "He got hurt."
"Is it Nico?"
My heart stutters. "How did you?—"
"Grandma was talking on the phone." Lily picks at a loose thread on her pajama pants. "She said his name."
Of course she did. My mother has never mastered the art of discretion.
"Yes, baby. It's Nico."
Lily's face scrunches in thought. Then she scrambles off the couch and disappears into her room. I hear small feet padding across the floor. When she returns, she's clutching Sir Floppington the Third.
"Here." She thrusts the rabbit at me. "Sir Floppington is a helper. He makes people feel better when they're sick."
My throat tightens. "Lily, that's your favorite?—"
"Nico needs him more." Her chin juts out with stubborn determination. "You can borrow him to Nico so he can be okay."
Don't cry. Don't you dare cry in front of her.
"Okay," I manage. "I'll make sure Nico gets him."
I take the rabbit. Its soft fur is worn thin in patches from Lily's constant hugging.
My phone buzzes in my pocket.
I fish it out with trembling fingers, expecting another update from the hospital. Another "no change" that would slowly kill me.
Vittoria: HE WOKE UP
Three words. Three words that make my heart slam against my ribs so hard I can barely breathe.
"Mommy?" Lily's voice sounds far away. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, baby." I'm already standing, already moving toward the door.
I kiss her forehead, her cheeks, the top of her head. She giggles and squirms away.
"Mom!" I call out, and my mother appears in the kitchen doorway. "I have to go. He's?—"
"Go." She nods once. "I'll stay with Lily."
I grab my keys. Shove my feet into sneakers. The rabbit is still clutched in my hand.
