“Fuck yes, I am!It’s not like we’re…”
“You can say it, you know.Or does that also scare you?”
“What are you even on about?”
“You know what?Leave it.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not like you.I told you that, didn’t I?”
Don’t do it, Doctor.Don’t force my hand.
Don’t make me give you up before it’s time.
“I don’t like games.”
“I’m a player.”
“Right…” He shakes his head slowly.“I feel so stupid right now.I thought you…” He exhales, long and hard.“I never learn.”
“I can’t,” is all I have to say.
“Let’s just assume it never happened.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
I can’t share it with you.Don’t you understand?I just can’t.
You can’t pull me out of this, or treat me like one of your patients, or try to save me.I can’t be whoever you want me to be.I can’t be like you.
“You should go now.”
His tone is sharp, his posture stiff.Shoulders tight, arms folded hard across his chest.He stares me down, and his eyes are no longer those of a lost little pup.They’re the eyes of a battered, half-wild dog that grew up on the streets, learned to fend for itself, and swore no one would ever get close again.
You emptied me, Doctor, and I emptied you.I knew exactly what I was doing, and I still went ahead.I couldn’t shut the whole world out and fill myself with only you.And I can’t pour myself into you, either.
I grab my clothes and drag them on in a rush, slip through the kitchen, and head for the door.I slam it behind me and, in a heartbeat, I’m back in my own facking past.
Chapter36
Jamie
Ian joins me as I sit at the edge of the pool, waiting for a lane to open up.
“How was your night?”he asks while dangling his legs in the water.
“Did they send you, or did you come of your own free will?”
“I came for a little chat.”
“You could chat with any random dickhead, you know.”
“You’re my favourite dickhead.”
“Don’t say that too loud, or Ryan will try to drown me to get me out of the way.He’s weirdly possessive of you.I’d be worried if I were you.”
