I want to hold it.
I reach out and put my hand on his.I squeeze a little, hoping to give him some of my strength.His hand stays still, but I feel it slowly getting warmer.It’s soft and delicate, so different from mine, which is rough and covered in blisters.
I don’t think I’ve ever held someone’s hand before, at least not like this.It feels strange and scary, but also good.This is a real, wanted contact, not just something that leads to sex.We both need it — he needs someone to hold his hand, and I need to hold his.
“You’re not trembling now,” I tell him without thinking.
“But you are,” he replies.
Only then do I realise I’m shaking too, and I don’t even know why.Or maybe I do, and it’s just become so much that it fills everything.
So I tell him, because there’s no point in staying quiet or pretending anymore.This isn’t just an obsession; it’s not going away.
“So, you see why we can’t be friends, right?”
I don’t look at him.I just can’t take another rejection from him, and I can’t bear to see it in his eyes.
He turns his palm up, and I put my hand on his.I know he’s looking at me, but I’m not ready for him to see everything I’m feeling.
“Do you understand it doesn’t make any sense?”
I nod but keep my gaze fixed on our hands.
“You are… I mean, we both know it.You’re a player, and I, Captain, simply can’t play against you.”
“Maybe we could play on the same team.”
“Then let me put it this way: I don’t like playing.”
“Maybe I’m getting too old for this sport.I might think about hanging up my boots.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“You don’t know it.”
“I already told you, I will never be one of your flings.”
“I’m not looking for a fling.”
“And what are you looking for?”
The time has come for me to look at him, to let him see right through me, and to let him to decide whether it’s worth the risk or if he should run away before he gets hurt.
The Doctor looks at me, searching for something to hold on to, something he can believe in.
“You know that I am not that kind of person,” he says.
“What kind?”
“The kind you usually go out with.”
“They’re just… guys.”
He raises a doubtful eyebrow.“And what am I?”
I gather my courage, hold on to it, and push my fear away.I take a deep breath and say, “You are… a man, Doctor.The only man I can think about.”
Chapter20
