“No, love, you were a kid.You were scared.You were terrified.”
“He ran away.The neighbours called an ambulance and… she was in a coma for three days.They had to remove her spleen.”
“I’m sorry.I’m so, so sorry.”
“Then the social workers came.She was not yet eighteen, and I was underage, and they took me away.They took from me the only family I had.”
I feel Martin’s tears running down my neck.
“She had no one, and I was in foster care.When she was discharged, she ended up on the street.Nobody helped her or reached out.They separated us and abandoned us.My sister was left without a home, dignity, or food, alone and always in danger, all because of me.”
“Jesus, no, Jamie.You can’t mean that.”
“I was in three different foster homes.I clung to the walls, crawled to avoid being noticed, and hid in toilets or closets.I was terrified, even if another kid met my gaze.I was afraid of everything.”
“Of course, sweetheart, that’s understandable — after all that you’ve been through…”
“It took almost two years for my sister to get me back.But by then, her life was ruined.She didn’t finish school, had no friends, and no one to rely on.When we moved back in together, she was already so broken.She didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, barely spoke.She was like a ghost, and it was all because of me.She was broken, Martin, and I was part of the reason.I didn’t know how to help her, so I decided I had to leave that useless kid behind and become someone new.”
“What do you mean?”
“I tried to make her proud in every way.I worked hard in school, did all the therapy she wanted, and threw myself into rugby to get stronger, invincible.I became Jamie Murray,the Captain.It was the only way I knew to prove to Riley that her efforts and sacrifices weren’t wasted.”
“You’re saying Jamie Murray doesn’t exist?”
“There’s nothing of me in him.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You… you were the only one who ever saw the real Jamie.With you, I couldn’t pretend.”
Chapter79
Martin
Iam overwhelmed by his story, his emotions, and his attempt to give me the part of himself he kept hidden.His words, his pain.I try not to let it crush me, to remain calm for him, to give him strength and support, and not to burst into tears, but it is so difficult.
I love this man — every single piece of him.I wish I could take away everything he’s been through and carry it myself, because I don’t want him to suffer anymore.I can’t believe what he’s endured, what he’s had to do, or what his sister has done.I also can’t believe a father could do that to his own son.
He’smy Captain — sweet and vulnerable, yet all muscle and armour, built to keep the world out.
“And that was the problem.You could see me.You caught a glimpse of that hidden part of me, no matter how hard I tried to bury it.With you, I was vulnerable again, and I couldn’t handle it.With you, I was afraid again.”
“I’m sorry.I never meant to hurt you.I would never have done that.”
“I know,” he says, taking my hands.“It wasn’t your fault.God, Martin, you are so authentic and beautiful and… You deserved the truth, and I just didn’t want to give it to you.I was afraid for myself, afraid to be weak again, and I was afraid that…”
“What?”I ask, alarmed.
“That if you found out who I really was, you couldn’t love me.”
“God, Jamie.”I kneel on the bed and take his face in my hands.
“I thought I would stir only compassion and pity in you, and…”
“What?Talk to me.Keep talking.”
“I cannot forgive.”
