“Because I am afraid.”
“And when you’re afraid, you hide in the closet?”
He nods.“But I haven’t been afraid for a long time.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Me.”He lifts his head and looks at me.“I’m afraid of me.”
I swear my heart just split in two right here in my closet.
“I don’t want to be that kid anymore.”
“You are not a kid.”
“When I’m with you, I go back to being him.”
“And is that bad?”
“He is afraid, and he is weak, and he is… Nothingness.That’s why I killed him.I did it.I was sure I was dead, yet I am still bleeding.Do you see?”he says, staring at his hands.“And do you know why I am still bleeding?Because you pulled me out of the ground.You shouldn’t have done that.You shouldn’t have tried to revive me.You should have left me there.”
He starts sobbing again, and I do too.
“I don’t understand why I feel so broken, why my heart is crying again, why it’s breaking again, and why it can’t accept not having you, yet it can’t accept your fucking love either.And I can’t be without it anymore.Do you understand?Even though I know it’s all wrong, even though I know this is only the beginning of the end.I’m lost.I don’t know who I am anymore, what I’m doing, what’s left… I knew I had to come here because maybe you can help me understand, maybe you can bring me home.I am here, and I shouldn’t have come, because being here in front of you doesn’t mean the war is over, that I survived, that everything will be okay now.”
“Oh, Jesus, Jamie.Look at me.”I take his face in my hands.
“You are all the fucking light, and I can’t see anything but you.”
“Then look at me.Just look at me.Let me take you back.”
He closes his eyes and starts crying again.
“Let me try.Let me love that little kid, because I’m sure he deserves all the love in this world.”
He opens his eyes again.I wipe his tears.
“Yours.All I need is yours.”
“And you fucking have it, Jamie!Can you not see how much I love you?”
“Do you love me even if I can never love you?”
“Oh, my sweet Captain.You love me already.That’s love, you know?”
“Is it love that makes you cry like this?”
“In everything you do, there is love, even when you take the piss out of me.”
“I meant it that night.It was the truth.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You are the first, Martin.”
I take deep breaths to keep from crying and flooding my fucking closet.
“And you will also be the last.”
