He did it for me, even knowing he would lose from the start.
Then he speaks, because he knows I can’t.He knows this, too.
He knows everything.
He speaks, and my world falls apart in front of him.It turns to dust at his feet.
He speaks, and takes the air out of me.
He speaks, and takes away my hope.
“It’s late, Captain.And I no longer want to play with you.”
What do I do?What do I say?How can I keep him a little longer?
He’s tired of my silence and jokes.He doesn’t know what to do with the Captain.
He wants Jamie.The only way he’ll listen is if I makehimtalk.
“Will you hide me?”
He stops the door before closing it.
“Please, can you hide me?”I ask again.
This is my desperate plea.
He opens the door again and steps in front of me.
Now, my punishment is his as well.
“What should I hide you from?”
“From me.”
He slowly shakes his head.
“My name is JamieKennedy.” Just saying my surname makes the walls shake.“I died years ago.Iwasdead.But you wanted to find me.You dug your nails in, set out on a desperate search.You found me.I thought I could cast you away with everything else.I wanted to throw you in a corner to rot, lost among all the things that can’t touch me.But not you.You refused to sit in the dark.You had to show me all your fucking light.I was drawn to you like an insect beating itself against glass, never realising there was a barrier in the way.”
I see his first tear and inevitably release mine.
“It hurt to be with you.It consumed me, tortured me, and slowly killed me all over again.But I still wanted more.I wanted to know what it felt like.I wanted to feel something.I wanted to feel you.”
I lean my hand against the doorframe to support myself.
“But the end had to come; I had to make it come.That’s how it works, that’s howIwork.I leave behind everything that wants to stay.I crush it, destroy it, pulverise it, until nothing is left.Anything that could drag me back to who I used to be, because I can’t be that person again.Do you understand?”
I step away from the door and back up.I hold my head in my hands, afraid it might burst.
“You… you brought me back.I had to send you away before you could see who I was.I hoped to kill him again, far from you.But I’m hurting.It hurts…”
I drop to my knees, and he kneels beside me.
“I don’t know how, Doctor.I don’t know how to love.I don’t know how to reciprocate something so pure.I don’t know what it means.I don’t know if I can do it.And I want to die.I want to live.I want to die again…”
He cups my face in his hands and makes me look at him.
“I said you were an obsession because my sick mind saw it that way, because I didn’t know what else it could be, because I had no other definition.I don’t know any other way.”
