When I reach his door, my courage vanishes.I lift my hand to knock, but I can’t bring myself to do it.I step back, run my hands through my hair, and wonder how I ended up like this — so weak, everything I was is falling apart, all because of a pair of dark eyes, open arms, and a smile that could undo me.
When did I stop being Jamie the Captain and go back to being just Jamie Kennedy?
Does it even make sense to ask myself these questions now?To rake my brain, let guilt eat at me, let fear assail me?
Fear.
I haven’t been afraid in years, and now I’m falling apart again.I’m not even sure why.
I’m afraid to confront him, to tell him the truth, to tell him how I feel.Or maybe I’m just afraid he’ll slam the door in my face and tell me I’m too late.Maybe he won’t let me try to be what I really wish I could be.
Forhim.
Onlyfor him.
I’m afraid he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to play anymore.
God, I’ve made so many mistakes.I can’t even count the ways I’ve hurt him, or say for sure if I have the strength to face what comes next.To face his rejection.To accept that he might take my stupid heart and throw it away, hoping it finally breaks for good.
I’m terrified.
I feel like I’m about to fall apart.
I never break, not even when I have every reason to.
I’ve never felt this weak before.The fear isn’t for myself — it’s because something that matters more than anything is at stake.The only thing that’s ever given my life meaning.
I’m tired of being the Captain everyone expects.I’m tired of being the proud brother, the funny uncle, the advice-giving friend, the teammate who pushes you in training or picks you up when you fall.
Now I just want to be one thing.
And I can only be that with him.
Suddenly, the door swings open in front of me.I don’t think I knocked.Maybe I’m confused, or maybe I’m not really here.He’s not standing there with that lost-puppy look.
Or maybe I’m just losing it.
He leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.He wears a contrite expression, but I know it’s bullshit.He’s not angry with me; he doesn’t want to punch or kick me.
He can’t even pretend.
He is hurt.He is disappointed.His warm, intense hazel eyes are now clouded, tired of bearing, tired of justifying.
Tired of meeting mine.My eyes are always cold and distant.His never were, because he is real.He appears as he is.He doesn’t have two faces, two lives, or two personalities.He is simply himself, and he never needs to be anyone else.
Because he’s perfect as he is.
And he’s not afraid.
All I’ve ever done is let him down, hurt him, and make him feel worthless.I have to do it so I don’t feel like nothing next to him.With him, I become myself again.But that self still feels like nothing.
Jamie Kennedyisnothing; that’s why he doesn’t exist anymore.Still, he went looking for him.He was sure he could find whatever was left and bring him back.
That’s what he does, with those magic hands and that big heart.
He brings you back to life.
He tried to bring me back to life so many times.He never gave up; he’s not a quitter.He’s a fighter to the very end.He will give everything to save you.
