“I’m a loser, not stupid.”
“At least wait until you’re around the corner before you cry, or Ryan will never let you hear the end of it.”
I drive away, shaking my head, grateful for my son’s maturity and for his understanding that I could never have done this alone.
“Shall we order something?”
“If you’re hungry, I can cook.”
“Nah, I’m in the mood for Chinese.Do you have the menu?”
“Second drawer.”
My son studies the menu while I sink into the sofa.I stare straight ahead at the blank TV, the only thing in this room that doesn’t remind me of him.I can’t bring myself to look at the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom.Everywhere I look, I see him.I can still hear his words, his laughter, even his quiet moments.It feels as if I could see him, almost touch him, breathe him in just a little longer.
“You can cry if you want,” Evan says as he sits down next to me.“We’re alone now.”
“I have no intention of it.”
“I promise I won’t tell anyone, and I won’t use it against you in the future.”
“If I start, I won’t be able to stop.”
Evan stays quiet for a few seconds.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Is he the first?”he asks discreetly.
Oh, Evan.How did I end up with a son like this?
The first.The only one.The last.
His words felt so real, but now they seem like a dream — one you’re desperate to remember, yet can’t quite piece together when you wake.You wish it were real.You close your eyes, trying to fall back into that moment, but sleep won’t come, and you’re left with the sad truth.
Maybe I imagined those words.Maybe I wanted to hear them so badly that my mind made them up.But I was sure.In that moment, I felt it.I knew I was his first — his movements, his looks, his fear, the way he trembled just from touching me.
I wanted to be the only one.I hoped that after me, he wouldn’t have anyone else, because what he felt for me was so strong he could never feel it again.
I believed him when he said I would be the last.Some feelings are so intense, it’s hard to imagine ever feeling them again with anyone else.
I let out a painful sigh and turn to my son.“He will be the only one.”
Evan gives me a sad smile and wraps his arm around my shoulder.I rest my head against him and start to cry, like I’m the kid and he’s the parent.I don’t think Evan has ever cried like this, not even when he was little.Or maybe he never did with me because he knew I would only cry harder.
Evan stays quiet and lets me cry.I replay every moment in my mind, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did to make Jamie not trust me enough to let me see what he carries inside.Enough that he pushed me away for good, keeping me from healing the wounds in his heart with my own hands and my stupid love.
Chapter75
Jamie
As I leave Riley and Ian’s house and head to my car, I see someone waiting, leaning against the door.I walk over, already knowing he’d show up eventually, and there’s no way to avoid him.
“You could have knocked.”
“I wanted to talk to you alone.”
