“I want you.I want you.I want you.”I repeat it like a mantra as the Doctor kisses me deeply, his breath coaxing my lungs to work, his hands caressing me with reassuring pressure.
“Do you want me to help you?”
I nod, tears thick in my throat.
He grabs the condom from the bed, tears the wrapper open, and rolls it on.Suddenly, I feel foolish.I feel like someone who doesn’t know how to love a man like him the way he deserves.
Because that’s how it is, Doctor: I can’t love you.But I love you anyway.In my way, the wrong way.The only way I know.
He smooths lube over me, his hands warm and sure against my skin.Then he kisses me again, and the embarrassment — the feeling of not being enough beside him — begins to fade.
He lies back on the bed and gently draws me down with him, guiding me into place.
He wants me like this: face to face, eyes locked on each other.I could never deny him, even if it means laying myself bare, completely exposed before him.
I brace my hands beside his head and settle between his legs.I hold my breath and push into him, just a little.Fear grips me.I don’t want to keep going.I don’t want this to be the end.
I don’t want to hurt him.
His hands slide slowly down my back, over my buttocks.
“I want you.All of you,” he says.Then he nudges me forward, and I slip deeper into him.
Friction.Heat.Love.
I simply shatter inside him.
Jamie the Captain dies here today, in this room, in this moment.
And I am the one who killed him.
Chapter70
Martin
Jamie is so scared that all I want to do is stop him, pull him into my arms, and reassure him that everything is going to be okay.He doesn’t have to go through with it if he doesn’t want to.We can read as many books as he likes, or I can simply watch him from afar, just quietly sharing the same space, the same air.
I sensed his anxiety the moment he told me he wanted to make love to me.I could feel his struggle and his pain, and I understood, even though he never said it out loud.
He has never given himself to anyone before, but now he feels ready to give himself to me.
He puts his hands on either side of my head.His arms are shaking, and it’s not just from muscle tension.He looks so scared and lost, like he’s trapped in the dark and can’t find anything to help him see or find his way out.Or maybe he’s keeping his eyes closed on purpose, afraid that if he opens them, there will be nothing waiting for him.
I’m here, Captain.You don’t have to look for me.I’ll find you, I promise.
My hands slide down his back, and when they reach his buttocks, I press gently, welcoming him inside me as he welcomes me inside him.
He is struggling with himself, not with me.I can stand by his side and help him face everything that brings him pain, whether it is.
I am not afraid.I may not have muscles, but I have something stronger than any weapon or force: my love, and it belongs only to him.
Jamie holds his breath, looking like he’s afraid of hurting me, losing control, or maybe even breaking me.I move closer, reassuring him that it’s okay, that I want him to make love to me just as he asked.I want him to see I’m here for him, that I’m not going anywhere.
As he slides inside me, heat spreads through my body, and desire begins to shake me.My thoughts are clear.I just want to feel him, to love him, and make him love me in his own way, even though he thinks he can’t.He doesn’t realise he’s already loving me.
I press on his buttocks again, wanting him to let go and see that everything is okay, that what we’re doing feels right.That we, together, are right.And that there will be no one else in the world for me.
When he starts to move — slowly but with new confidence — I let him set the pace and cradle his face in my hands.His blue eyes are wide open now, and I am the only one he sees.I draw him closer and press my mouth to his, breathing into him, pouring my feelings into the space between us — showing him that I am safe, that he will not hurt me, and that I will not hurt him.
