This is exactly what she wants, and she’s taking it.
“Casey…” Her name is painful. It’s desire. It’s everything.
Becausesheis my everything, and she’s taking me with her own hands.
This time, she’s the one who throws herself against me. And her kiss isn’t soft, or sweet, or hesitant. No. Her kiss is passionate, filled with a desire that needs to be answered. She needs to have me, tonight, all to herself, before I leave and never look back.
I slide my hands over her desperately, seeking out her figure. They’re moving of their own accord, and I don’t want to leave without knowing how her skin feels under my fingers. Casey locks her legs around my waist, dangerously close to my erection, as I feel her hard, pert nipples tense under the palms of my hands.
Casey slips her tongue inside my mouth, searching for my own, and steals me away; she takes me into the unknown, plunged into total darkness. The kind of darkness that will suck away my whole life, as soon as she realises the huge mistake she’s made, offering me the privilege of having her, of being her first. Because I know full well that I’d be her first – she doesn’t even need to say it. I know she’s never been with anyone, and God only knows how much I want to be that guy for her, but what then? What’s left?
I pull suddenly away from her and she blinks, confused. Then I do the only thing I’m good at: being a dick.
“What is this, some sort of goodbye present?” I say, flaunting one of my most painful smiles.
“What…?” she says, confused.
“What are we doing, Casey?”
“I… We…” her confidence vanishes in an instant.
I move away from her and lie, hoping that I’m being convincing. “You know what I’m like. I’m leaving tomorrow. Do you really want this? Come on. It makes no sense.”
The light in her eyes has disappeared, replaced by confusion, darkness and maybe hate: I let myself become imprisoned in her gaze, with no way out.
Come all ye lost… Dive into the moss… I hope that my sanity covers the cost… To remove the stain of my love.
“It was just a way to celebrate.”
She says it convincingly, as if she really believed it; but I hear something else, something that she’s keeping to herself, but that throws itself against me, trying to destroy me.
Something that really fucking hurts.
“I know you’re leaving tomorrow. It wouldn’t have meant anything. Absolutely nothing. We’re friends.”
“Exactly.”
I gather up all of my strength and turn back, hoping that one day she’ll forget this, or be able to forgive me. I know I could never forgive myself: not even if I came back in another life, as someone else.
This is love, this is porn… God will forgive me… But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn.
“Sometimes this happens between friends.”
“But not this time.”
“Apparently not,” she says, sliding away from me. She swims into the centre of the pool, then turns back to look at me.
And I already know it’ll be the last time she does.
“I’m going to do a few lengths, okay? I need to sober up before I go home. If I don’t see you…have a safe journey, and call me whenever you’re back.”
I nod, but I can’t respond. I don’t think I could lie to her again. I haul myself out of the pool and gather my clothes, dressing myself hurriedly and heading towards the door. I look back once more to see Casey swimming, unaware of the fact that I’m about to leave and will probably never come back.
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me… Hear if you’re gonna live without me… I wanna hear what you want… What the hell do you want?
“Casey?” I call her and she stops, next to the side. “I’ll come back one day,” I tell her, because, at that moment, I really need to say it: more for myself than for her.
I need to believe it.
