I’m Nick O’Connor. I’m the eldest, the strongest. I’m the one nothing can break down.
Yeah, right.
I look at Ian, then look at his girlfriend and his daughter; their fingers are intertwined, their smiles filled with love and hope. Life is teeming around them, giving back everything it took from them. And I feel something break inside me: a quickly-growing crack spreading across my chest. It makes no noise, no one can hear it – but, inside me, the rumble is deafening.
I rub my eyes. I can feel something niggling at me, maybe a fly or some dust – fuck, they should really keep a closer eye on the hygiene in this hospital – but nothing can stop the burning. I rub at them roughly with the sleeve of my hoodie, but it only makes it worse. The tears come gushing out anyway and I can’t do anything about it; I can’t even remember the last time this happened to me. And they’re tears of joy, because my brother has just had a baby, because I’ve become an uncle, because our family is growing. I’m so happy that a sob escapes my lips, and I can’t do anything to stifle it.
Everyone turns to me.
“Well, what do we have here?”
Riley smiles at me and passes me the baby. “Go on, Jamie. This is Uncle Nick.”
“Why does he get to go first?” Ryan whines.
“Because I’m the oldest,” I retort, gently taking this new life in my arms and suddenly feeling myself fill up with love, with gratitude. With hope.
“Hey, little Jamie,” I say, even though I know full well that she can’t understand me. But you never know – better to make things clear. “I’m the best-looking uncle, the one who will take you shopping to buy anything you want. I’ll teach you how to kick guys in the balls, and buy you beer when your mum and dad aren’t around—”
“Hey…” Ian scolds.
“But I’ll also be the one you can always count on, because look: your dad and all these other uncles here are useless.”
“Oh my God, Nick!” Ryan’s angry now.
I lightly kiss her forehead and stand there, looking at her, overjoyed. “Jamie, you’ll be the only girl in my life, I swear.”
“We all knew that.” Ryan ruins this magical moment with my niece, just as he’s ruined pretty much every moment of my life.
“Come on, come to Uncle Ryan,” he says, delicately taking her from my arms.
“You alright with her, mate?” Evan asks him.
“Fuck off! What’s your problem?” Ryan retorts.
“Guys, you really need to start watching your language. Seriously,” Riley warns.
“But she’s only just been born, she doesn’t understand yet,” Ryan responds.
“Sure, but it’ll be a long road to recovery for you guys,” Riley adds, making me laugh. She’s right. It’ll be almost impossible.
“So, little Jamie,” Ryan says to the baby. “Apart from your questionable name…”
“You’re just jealous,” Jamie cuts in.
“…you’re…you’re…” He takes a deep breath, then look at Ian. “Holy shit, Ian,” he says, relaxing.
Everyone laughs, resigned to the fact that this little girl is going to grow up surrounded by an ocean of ‘holy shits’.
“Yeah, Ryan,” Ian nods. “Holy shit.”
3
Nick
“Okay, I’m going to go to Mum and Dad’s to see if they need anything and calm them down a bit. Mum was almost hysterical on the phone. I’ll be back late morning, okay?”
“Thanks, Nick.”
