“You didn’t pass your exams?”
“I passed them, but badly.”
“So no rugby team.”
“Nick had to work harder than everyone,” Ryan interjects, his tone serious now. “He didn’t go to UCD or to the centre, so he had to start in other, smaller teams. He slowly got better and better as a player, then earned his place.”
“But not in the team,” I say, sadly.
It’s something that has always weighed on me. That feeling of failure, of never reaching the same level as my brothers.
Ian’s the cleverest of us all. For him, winning was a challenge, at all costs. After his shitty childhood, he only started to believe in himself when he turned up in our family, at the age of fifteen. I was the one who brought him home. His mother abandoned him; we played together in the school team and one day, after training, I found him under the bleachers, hiding from the rain. I took him back to our house, and my parents really took his situation to heart. He stayed with us for a few days while my dad did some research, trying to track down Ian’s mother. When he met her, he decided that Ian should stay with us indefinitely. They adopted him when he was sixteen, and even now, Ian has always felt that he has to prove his worth to everyone, excelling both in school and out on the field.
Ryan was bright, but focused on rugby and on his social life. He worked really hard for his place on the team, and when he got it, he threw it all away. The girl that he was supposed to marry left him at the altar. She just never showed up, and turned Ryan’s whole world upside-down. So I decided to get involved and ended up sleeping with her – we were both drunk and upset, and it happened, even though neither of us can remember it. Ryan gave up his position on the team and left. But now he has the chance to try again, and he’s doing even better than before.
As for me, I’m still the same old Nick. The dickhead. The one who couldn’t even get into university. The one who never got a place on the team. The one who decided to become a model because he wasn’t even that good as a player. The one who’s now teaching at a kids’ summer camp. The one who’s not good at anything. The one with no future.
The one who’s stayed behind.
“I’m sorry, Nick,” Evan says, his tone sincere.
“Oh, come on, mate. Look at me: nothing can get me down!” I try to sound convincing, but I feel Ryan’s hand squeezing my shoulder affectionately. That one little gesture is all I need to realise that, in the end, despite all my bullshit, thereissomething good in my life.
Something that will always be there, even though I tried to push it away.
Something that’s always with me, that I have no intention of losing again.
20
Casey
Iput down my phone and turn to see my dad standing proudly in front of me, wearing his best suit. It’s actually a few years old, but thanks to his athletic physique, it still fits him perfectly.
“What do you think?” he asks, stretching out his arms.
“Wow! You look so handsome.”
My dad mumbles something that I don’t quite catch, but I know that he’s embarrassed.
“What’s the big makeover for?”
He scratches his head with one hand and says quietly: “I have this thing.”
“A thing?”
“With a…woman.”
“Oh,” I say, a little shocked.
“Don’t say anything,” he stops me.
“I’m just…I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”
“You’re always telling me I should get out more…”
“Of course, and I’m happy you’ve finally listened to me – you just took me by surprise.”
“Do I look lame?”
