“The kind that rips your clothes off on the first date?”
“Exactly.”
“Anyway, something doesn’t feel right.”
“He’s a serious guy who knows what he wants, and he doesn’t need to run after it. He takes his time, and that’s fine with me. He’s the ideal boyfriend.”
“On paper, maybe. But not in real life, honey.”
I glare at him.
“Okay, okay. I’ll mind my own business – but Casey, don’t dampen down who you are just because it seems like the right thing to do.”
“I’m not. I’ve just grown up, Martin. I’m done with being messed around.”
“But Nick O’Connor could mess you around, maybe even twice in one night…”
“Jesus, Martin!”
“Sorry, I can’t help it. You know it’s true…”
“I know, but please, don’t remind me.”
“Casey…” Martin’s tone becomes suddenly serious. “Are you sure you can do this?”
“Of course,” I say, trying to convince myself.
Martin sighs. “I really hope so, honey, because I don’t want you to get hurt,” he says, getting to his feet.
“No one is going to get hurt here, except you. If you keep talking about him, about his arse…”
“Got it, got it. I’m leaving. My break’s over. But this conversation isn’t.”
I never doubted it for a second. Martin gives me a wave and heads back onto the ward, as I take a few minutes before my next patient.
I look over at my surgeon, so proud and self-assured, chatting with his colleagues. He seems so confident in himself, a real man; I start to wonder why the hell he isn’t over here with me, taking a step forward and pushing our relationship to the next level. Why he hasn’t jumped on me yet – as Martin would say – and shown me how much he really wants me. Why he won’t sit with me in the cafeteria. Why he doesn’t make me laugh. Why, when he touches me, I don’t feel shivers creeping up my spine. Why he doesn’t look at me as if he wants to rip my clothes off.
Why he doesn’t make me happy.
Maybe he doesn’t like me enough. Maybe we’re just too different. Maybe he reallyisgay, and I’m just a cover-up. But he’s a good guy, well-esteemed at his job. He’s dedicated his life to other people, and always puts himself forward for the most difficult cases. He operates on sick kids, people that can’t take care of themselves. Often, he’s travelling to another country, where they don’t have the equipment or the funds to cure their patients – he sends those children, and their families, here, where he can take care of them. He does all the research, raises all the money.
I guess you could call him the perfect guy. At least, as Martin said, on paper. Because in my eyes, he’s starting to morph into a gaping dark hole – I’m starting to believe that there’s no right guy for me. Because the only man who’s right is also the biggest mistake I could make.
18
Nick
During the kids’ first break of the morning, I lay back on the stands, enjoying the clear skies and the summer sun in blissful silence. I’m distracted today – so much so that even some of the kids have noticed, and Jamie’s been shooting glances at me all morning. But I can’t do anything about it. I’m still lightheaded and overwhelmed by everything that’s been going on lately: seeing Casey, chatting as if nothing had ever happened. Accepting the uncomfortable distance between us, pretending that it doesn’t bother me. It’s been so long, I’ve been with loads of other women, and she…she’s had someone who hurt her, broke her heart. Left her behind.
Someone who definitely didn’t deserve her. Someone like yours truly.
I’m glad I never had to see any of it, because just seeing that preppy surgeon hanging around her makes me want to bring up my breakfast, lunch and dinner all at once. You can tell that they’re still in the honeymoon phase: I saw it in his leering gaze, and his slimy hands. All typical signs of someone who can’t wait to jump all over her, and I can’t help but itch to wring his neck. Just thinking about all the men who laid hands on her – and anyone who even thought about it, anyone who breathed within a fifty-metre radius of her – makes my blood boil.
“What are you doing there?”
Something blocks the sun from my face, forcing me to open my eyes.
“We’re on a break. I’m relaxing.”
