“So?”
She scoffs and shakes her head, leaving me alone with my thoughts, my confusion, and the battle between my stomach and my heart, which are fighting their way up my throat.
“Ah, Nick,” Dad appears as if from nowhere, looking at me worriedly. “You have to make a move. Eight years are a lot to make up for, and you don’t have the best hand to play.”
Eight years. A never-ending chasm.
And Dad’s right: I have nothing to bring to the table of a game I’m not even good at. To be honest, I don’t think I have the right to even sit at the table.
* * *
When I get backto my apartment – alone, as always – I slump onto the sofa and lean my head against the backrest. I close my eyes as hundreds of images from years ago start to flood my mind. The last time I made her laugh. The last time she took the piss out of me. The last time I made her angry. The last time she smiled at me.
Her last sigh.
The first and only time I let my eyes run over her naked body.
The only kiss.
And then, the lasteverything: the tears that were held back, the polite smiles. The biggest lie I’ve ever told, to her and to myself. The one I’m forcing myself to say aloud.
And, once again, the image of tonight, of her: of her hair, of her hand, reaching for someone else’s.
Of the door closing. The silence. The emptiness.
All things I’m only realising now.
All things that never used to bother me.
All things I chose.
But, for the first time in my life, I’m starting to fully understand what they mean.
14
Nick
Ian answers the door to me, with a face that tells me he’s just been woken up.
“Does this really seem like a good time, Nick?”
I look at my watch and shrug.
Ian rolls his eyes and steps aside to let me in.
“I hope this is important, because I’d just fallen asleep, and it’s not like we get to sleep a lot in this house at the moment.”
“Jamie?”
“I don’t think she knows the difference between day and night yet.”
I sink onto their sofa as he comes back from the kitchen, a beer in hand.
“You not joining me?”
“I’m trying to convince myself you’ll be gone in five minutes.”
“You like kidding yourself, eh?”
