My dad’s smile grows painful. “You’ll both be fine.”
I really want to believe him, but right now, I can’t believe in anything. Especially not myself.
“Hey! Why are you still out here?” Casey appears from the kitchen. “Everyone’s in the garden, come on.” She suddenly notices my dad. “Hi, James. You look great!”
My dad looks at her, then reads the writing on her T-shirt, bursting into laughter just like the others. “Great choice,” he comments, before throwing his arm over her shoulders and guiding her into the kitchen.
I’d need another five minutes to process the scene, but I can’t. It slips into my heart, clawing at me with its fingernails – but it can’t find anything to grip onto, and falls into the abyss, along with everything else that has ever tried to stay put.
* * *
Everyone’sout in the garden. Sundays are a ritual now in my family. Not everyone can be here every week; but today is special. Mum wanted to celebrate Evan’s results properly, so no one is missing. Including Dr Dickhead.
I walk over to Casey, who’s sitting on a blanket on the grass with Riley and Jamie.
“I want to steal her,” she says, obviously joking. “This baby is just a dream. She’s beautiful, she’s so soft. She smells so good. I love her.”
She holds Jamie in her arms, looking down at her with dreamy eyes, full of longing and hope. She looks at her like a woman who wants something – something she’s been waiting for. Something she deserves.
I attempt a smile, but I can’t quite enjoy the scene in front of me. All I can think about is the weight settling on my shoulders, trying to squash me. I close my eyes for a few seconds: when I open them, I see Riley’s eyes locked onto mine.
Apparently, neither of my dickhead brothers can keep their mouths shut.
I seem to be the only one who can keep a secret.
Riley smiles at me, like only she knows how, with all the sweetness she’s capable of. I feel another piece of my heart break away, falling onto the grass.
“Hey, Uncle Loser,” Evan says from behind me. “Let’s have a kickabout. What do you say?”
I turn towards him; as soon as he sees my expression, his face falls, suddenly.
“I just have to go into the garage and…look for something,” I say, improvising with the first bullshit that comes to mind.
“Sure,” Casey responds without looking at me, still swept up by little Jamie.
I burst into the house and shoot out the front door, heading straight for the garage. I lift the door and close myself inside, sinking into the darkness.
Somebody knocks on the metal, and I pretend not to hear, not to be there. I pretend I’ve left, with no intention of turning back.
“Nick, I know you’re in there.” Ryan’s voice floats in from outside.
“Go away, Ryan. This has nothing to do with you,” I say, trying to pull myself to my feet.
By way of response, the metal door slides up, revealing the silhouette of my brother.
“What the fuck do you want? Don’t you have a family to take care of?”
“You have no idea how much this is costing me. I haven’t set foot in the garage for at least ten years.”
“You could carry on that trend, you know. No one asked you to be here.”
“Nick.” Ian comes in, too, as Ryan stands at the threshold, uncertain. “Please, come back into the garden.”
“I just need a few minutes.”
“You need to speak, for fuck’s sake!” Ryan says, his patience disappearing.
“Look who’s talking. Do you need me to remind you of all the shit you were swimming in up until a few months ago?”
