“Just think about it,”Jamie says to me as we’re in the changing rooms. “It wouldn’t be so bad.”
“I’m not cut out for teaching, for being around kids. I’m not…”
“What aren’t you, Nick?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to stay.”
Jamie nods, sitting down on the bench next to me. “What’s the problem?”
“I wasn’t honest.”
“With who? With her?”
I shake my head. “With everyone.”
“You’ve got yourself into some shit again, haven’t you?”
I smile bitterly. “Maybe.”
“And you don’t know how to get out of it.”
“I don’t know everyone’s going to take it. And I don’t know if I can face the truth.”
“Just how much shit are we talking here, Nick?”
“Loads, Jamie. And I’m starting to drown in it.”
“So we need to get you out of it, then.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet. We keep them there, waiting for the right person to open it up, without being frightened.”
“What if they’re terrified?”
“Then they’re the wrong person, mate.”
“What ifI’mthe one who’s wrong? What if she’s perfect, while I don’t fit?”
“Don’t fit what?”
I scoff, letting my head fall into my hands. “I can’t.”
“What can’t you do?”
“I can’t give her what she wants.”
“What are you talking about, Nick?”
I lift my gaze to meet Jamie’s, and my own reflection nearly makes me crumble right there.
“Nick…” he rests his hand on my shoulder. He squeezes it tightly; but not to hurt me. Because he knows I need hm. He’s the only one that will understand.
After all these years, it only takes me twenty minutes to go back to the old Nick: the weak, scared little boy. The one who almost lost everything. The one I hid away in the closet, replacing him with who I am today. The one I deprived of air, just so that I could breathe.
After all these years, I find myself telling someone what it is that’s wrong with me: why I became who I am. And why I’m so scared to give him up.
52
