Nick lifts himself up and turns to me. “You’ll never forgive me. Will you?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. In the end, you didn’t do anything wrong – nothing that was out of the ordinary for you, anyway. And besides, it was just one kiss. No big deal.”
“No big deal?” His voice starts to rise. “Are you telling me that it was nothing? I’ve fantasized about that fucking kiss every night for the past eight years. Even thinking about it now…”
“Then why did you leave? Why did you never try to contact me? Even one measly phone call would’ve been enough.”
“Really, Casey? Would it have been enough?”
His question throws me. I sit there in silence for a few moments, then lower my gaze.
He’s right. It would never have been enough. I wanted everything – and I wanted it all with him. And Nick knew that: that’s why he never came back.
“So you decided to just cut me out?”
“I didn’t cut you out.”
“That’s exactly what it seemed like.”
“I promise you, it wasn’t like that.” Nick sighs again, looking back out over the ocean.
“Why now? What changed?”
“Because, now, Casey, I’m back.” He looks at me again. “And I don’t want to leave anything behind.”
I tear my gaze away, fixing it in front of me.
“One day, you’ll believe me. And when you do…” he says, taking a deep breath. “…God, when you do, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.”
I close my eyes, letting his voice vibrate along my skin.
“I can assure you that you won’t be able to help yourself.”
“That sounds like a threat.”
“No, Casey. It’s a promise.”
My body suddenly understands; it trembles with desire next to his. But my heart doesn’t. My heart is still scared, hiding away, terrified that, one day, it’ll be forced out in the open.
36
Nick
After two beers, a burger, and two battered sausages, Casey started to relax, letting down her guard slightly. I didn’t want to talk about the past – about that night in the pool, or the fact that I disappeared for eight years without a trace. Apart from the photos, obviously. But I can’t avoid it forever, and she’s right not to trust me.
She always relaxes when she’s eaten: that’s something I remember about her. Whenever she was angry, worried about something, or stressed about an exam, we used to go out and spend the evening like this. It always helped her feel better and let herself go a little. So, tonight, I decided to make the most of this insider knowledge; but apart from this little trick, I don’t know what my next move should be.
I’ve never had problems with women – obviously. When you’re an ex-rugby player posing naked on the cover of one of the world’s biggest magazines, it doesn’t take much. Just a joke, a little smile, a wink… Basically, I just have to be myself, and I’m suddenly irresistible. But I can’t play these cards with her – she knows them all too well. I have to work hard, find a way to make her realise that, even though I’m that same kid from all those years ago, I have a lot more to give. Something that no one would ever imagine of me; but something I want her to see, to understand.
Casey stretches out on the cool sand, folding her arms behind her head. I forgot to bring a blanket – I’m not the best at organising dates like this – but she doesn’t care. She just lays there, letting the sand work its way everywhere, enjoying the peacefulness of our surroundings, the gentle hum of the waves, watching the seagulls circle in the still-clear sky.
She knows how to enjoy the little things; and, next to her, I start to enjoy them, too. As if they could become a part of me, just like they used to be.
“I’ve eaten way too much,” she says, out of the blue.
“As usual,” I say, amused.
“True. Maybe I need to go for a walk.” She turns to me. “You know, to burn off all that meat.”
