I hear his steps walking away from me as I close my eyes and swallow my dignity, but then the mattress sinks and I can feel his heat next to me. I open my eyes, begging my heart to take it easy because I don’t want him to realise it’s going nuts. Then his arms are around me.
Ian is hugging me.
And what I feel is life. Real life. It’s a life to be shared, out in the open without secret hiding places, without nightmares, without fear.
It’s a life worth living.
His grip isn’t forced, he’s not doing it because I asked him to. He’s doing it because he wants to.
His arms squeeze my hips and his lips brush against my hair and I feel his breath on my neck. He breaks my barriers making them crumble down dangerously.
My entire body trembles at this new emotion.
“You’re shaking,” he whispers, moving in closer; I feel all of my muscles relaxing, and it’s strange because I’m in Ian’s bed, my body is touching his and I’ve never felt so safe in my life.
We stay in bed, intertwined.
Nothing else happens. There are no other words or explanations. There’s only our breathing that fills the space and an intimacy which I’ve never felt before. I’m in Ian’s arms and everything is out of place and so wrong, but in my eyes, it couldn’t be more right.
“Riley,” he whispers, making me shiver. “You can trust me.”
I close my eyes and do as he says, sinking into the tenderness of his voice.
* * *
I wake up in a fog,feeling a strange weight on my chest and stomach. I lift my head and it takes me a few seconds to understand what’s happening. Ian’s head is on my chest and his hand is on my hips.
Panic assails me.
I move just slightly and he pulls away from me and turns on his back. The apartment is dark but from the light creeping in from outside the curtains, I can see his hard profile, his tensed jaw and his lips pursed subtlety.
He doesn’t seem relaxed or comfortable here with me and I don’t know what the hell I had in mind. What was my head telling me when I asked him to get into bed with me?
I get up, moved by anger.
I can’t do it. I can’t let myself get caught up in him, his nearness, his warmth. I can’t run here and hide in this space just to avoid being forced to face myself.
He can’t bury everything with him or I won’t be able to handle it, because something’s coming. I can feel its hot breath on my collar, and as much as I try to keep it away, it’ll be back to drag me down into the darkness.
It’ll come and take everything away with it.
It’ll take me too.
