“I don’t want to see him,” I say under my breath.
“Him…who?” Ray butts in.
“He won’t be there. He had other plans.”
“Are you positive?”
“Absolutely. Family plans.”
“I’m sorry, who are we talking about here?” Ray tries again.
“No one.” I give in and stand up, ending the conversation. I turn off my computer and gather my things.
“He can come too,” Jamie says, nodding over at Ray.
“Obviously I’m coming,” Ray answers without a shadow of embarrassment before popping his head out the door and yelling, “Kate, move your arse. We’re going to a party tonight.”
I shake my head and smile. Ray is always ready to go looking for a wild night. He has a passion for guys who are too tall, too busy, and most of all, dickheads. I’m concerned that my brother has at least two of those qualities.
We leave the building where a taxi is waiting for us, and after all the necessary introductions, we get in the car, ready for the evening, which will surely be a disaster.
Kate, Ray, and I work together at the Gate Theatre. It’s a job I’m crazy about. Okay, I’m just a secretary and to be more specific, I’m Kate’s secretary. She manages the organisation of the shows, and Ray is her part-time assistant.
When I applied for this job, I didn’t think I had a chance. I had a bit of experience, working for a few years in an events agency, but nothing to do with managing shows as professional as these. Kate brushed away all of my doubts; she’s a fantastic person and an excellent boss who’s always believed in me. After a three-month trial period, I signed a contract for a full-time job, which was lucky for me because I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.
I lost my old job to redundancy, but it’s not a sob story; now, I’m working in this fantastic place with great co-workers.
A bonus of working at the theatre is that I can see the shows for free. Since working here, I’ve discovered I love Jane Austen’s work and have a real passion for Shakespeare. I haven’t read many books, and I never finished high school, so at the beginning, I felt intimidated by my own ignorance. I wasn’t able to follow them, to understand word choices or vocabulary, but after seeing a show at least five times, I started to feel more comfortable with it, making me feel like I wasn’t in the wrong place and that it’s never too late to learn.
I lose myself in my thoughts, looking out the window as the taxi leaves the city centre and makes off south towards Ballsbridge where Jamie and most of his teammates live.
It’s one of the coolest areas in Dublin, right on the sea where the UCD campus is located, and where Leinster has their general headquarters.
I lived there for a while too when I was at my brother’s house, but I decided it was time for me to get a place of my own and leave Jamie to his life. He’s a grown man and he doesn’t need me.
I can’t deny it’s an attractive location, but too luxurious for my taste. I prefer having a tiny, private apartment, where I can crawl into my own den and hibernate there in peace, hiding if necessary. Somewhere no one comes looking for me.
I try not to let myself get weighed down too much in thinking about the past, keeping my nails dug into the present, just hoping that this night will fly by, and I can go home quickly because I’m exhausted, in pain, and not really present.
I’m completely out of sorts and out of my head.
Maybe I’m coming down with something. Or maybe it’s something else.
Ian was at my house, my little safe space. He invaded my privacy, he judged my lifestyle; even if he didn’t say so explicitly, I read his thoughts, his eyes, and his embarrassed silence.
He sent me a few messages that I decided not to answer. I don’t want to let him throw off my balance and lead me down a one-way street that can only end up hurting me.
I won’t be fooled again.
He hasn’t changed and neither have I.
We’re what we always have been.
Alone and dangerous.
Messed-up.
“Hey, smile, it’s my birthday,” Jamie says, turning around from the front seat to smile at me.
