“He wasn’t a hard worker…and not much of a father. He wasn’t much of anything,” she concludes bitterly.
“Riley, I…”
“You didn’t know.”
I shake my head.
“We don’t like talking about it. It’s not a time in our lives we want to remember.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be pushy.”
“You weren’t,” she says shrugging. “You didn’t know and you asked.”
“Questions you shouldn’t feel obligated to answer.”
“I don’t feel that way. I’m fine. It’s been a long time since then. Jamie and I have muddled through.”
“Did you take care of him?” I ask, feeling my throat close up.
She nods. “You know, Jamie wasn’t like he is now. He was a sensitive boy; he needed to come out of his shell, to learn to be strong and face the world with his head held high, and he didn’t stand much chance in that house. I tried to be strong enough for both of us, to give him the security he needed and the support that he deserved but that no one ever gave him. I promised him that he could be anything he wanted, and that I’d help him. I did everything I could to keep my promise. We had some dark, difficult years but we were together, and, in the end, it all worked out for the best.”
I can’t breathe. Seriously.
“I’d do it again a thousand times. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing the man he’s become.”
I take her hand spontaneously and feel my heart cracking dangerously.
“It’s all in the past.”
“You don’t have to hide what you are, Riley. Not when you’re with me.”
She smiles timidly.
“You don’t always have to be strong.”
“Oh, I’m not, believe me.”
“Yes, you are.”
“There were loads of times I didn’t think I’d make it…I was exhausted, alone, I’d given up. But just looking at Jamie gave me the energy to go on. I finished school a few years later by going to evening classes. That meant I could leave my old jobs and find a better one. I used to work in retail during the day and in a pizzeria in the evenings. I started off at the bottom in a better job, and I worked hard to get ahead. I’m still not exactly high up, sure, but I created an opportunity for myself which meant we could live decently, and most importantly, allowed Jamie to study, train, and become the champion that he is now.”
“You must be very proud of yourself.”
“Well, I didn’t have a lot of choice. I had to either roll up my sleeves or…” She doesn’t finish the phrase and looks elsewhere.
I swallow hard.
“When Jamie first started becoming successful, I was happy for him, even if I knew it meant that sooner or later, I’d be left alone.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, Jamie is all I have.”
“But you have your own life.” I try.
“My life,” she whispers, “I’m starting to think that there isn’t anything more out there for me. I don’t know if you can understand, but I don’t think I’d be able to trust another person, to have a family.” She shakes her head. “Maybe this is all there is for me,” she sighs.
She sits in silence for a few minutes, and I’m scared she’ll be able to hear the loud, dangerous beat of my heart, pumping like crazy, risking irreparable damage.
