Ian
Present
Ileave the gym, totally knackered. The only thing I want to do is collapse on the sofa, but it’s still taken by that idiot brother of mine – the one who still hasn’t got off his arse to make an appearance at home. What the hell did he even come back for if he’s never going to go over and visit them?
I take out my phone and decide to try again - maybe today I’ll be able to convince him, but it rings through with no reply. I now have two brothers who have decided to ignore me.
I should just kick him out.
I get on my bike and head towards the city for dinner with my parents. We always tried to have dinner together at home, even as adults whenever we could, and I try to keep up the tradition.
It never felt like a chore to me. I enjoy spending time at home, but the emptiness that my brothers left when they went away can be oppressive at times. It’s hard not to let it get you down.
Nick and Ryan abandoned their family, their city and their country just to get enough distance between them to stop them from killing each other, and at first, I applauded the effort to keep them apart, to help them reflect on their mistakes and then get over it. But too much time has passed, and they haven’t spoken to each other since they both left Dublin, and I’m starting to think that things will never change.
I guess I’m not helping the situation either; in a way, I’m an enabler. I act as a go-between for them. I take care of the family, I make sure no one gets hurt, that everything is okay and that my parents are fine.
I’ll confess, all these worries can be suffocating.
I breathe in the cold winter air that freezes my face; it relaxes me, helping me feel free even though I’m on edge, finding it more and more difficult to stay in control.
Despite the fact that I’ve not had a moment of peace all day, between training, the problems at home, and Ryan, there’s another thought that’s been running through my mind.
A thought that I have to get rid of, right now.
I wanted to call her, but it seemed excessive to me. So, I sent her a message. To be honest, I sent three, all with no response.
I understood from her silence that my interest is not appreciated, nor is my company. I should have expected that: it’s what I deserve. I have to accept it and move on. After all, I’m the one who wanted it this way.
I chose the easier way, the safer way. I made my decision a year ago, and I don’t intend to go back on it now. I did the right thing for her and for me.
I can’t pay any attention to the shivers that run through me when she looks at me, to my heart that tries to bust out of its cage when I touch her. It’s only a weakness, something to be nipped in the bud.
I bury the thought of her to the furthest corner of my mind as I park my bike in the alley behind my parents’ house. I dismount and take off my helmet and go over to my father who’s outside pruning the hedges.
“Hey Ian,” he says with a smile. “These plants really needed some work. Your mother was complaining she couldn’t see the flowers out the window anymore.”
“You could’ve called me, I’d have come earlier to give you a hand.”
“I can do it myself, I’m not that old,” he jokes, going back to his bushes.
“Well of course you aren’t, that’s not the point. I’d be happy to help.”
“You have your own life,” he says without looking at me. “You need to live it and stop worrying about us…about me,” he finishes, lowering his voice.
My life. He has no idea.
I put a hand on his shoulder, and he sighs before looking at me.
“I know things aren’t going well…” he begins, turning away from the shrubs. “I am aware of it, you know. Not always, but on certain days, when I’m…myself, I have the feeling that I’ve lost something. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself very well.”
“Dad…”
“I’d like you to promise me something.”
“Sure, whatever you want.”
“I’m asking you because your brothers, well, they have their own things to do…”
