Epilogue
Ian
Ialways struggle in the morning.
When I open my eyes, the first thing I do is reach out my right arm to make sure that she’s there, she’s real and she’s sleeping next to me.
Sometimes I wake up really early, before dawn. I turn onto my side and rest my head on her arm.
And I look at her.
I look at her sleeping peacefully. Sometimes she makes faces and other times she smiles and when she does, I don’t know why, but I imagine that she’s dreaming of me.
Sometimes she snores, but I’ve never told her. I’m sure she’d deny it and be get angry over it – although, I have to confess, I like pissing her off just to make it up to her, possibly horizontally. But I don’t enjoy playing with fire too much, at least not at this point.
She’s tiny, it’s true. But she knows how to defend herself.
I usually wake up much earlier than she does. I make breakfast which I leave warmed up in the kitchen before going to training. I kiss her lightly on the lips and she smiles – I’ve never understood if she’s still sleeping at that point or if she’s semi-conscious. I do know that one time I forgot to do it because I was in a hurry to get to the gym and she wouldn’t talk to me for two days.
I say hello to him…or her. We still don’t know.
I kiss her stomach and wish them both a good day, with a heart swollen with love and a commitment to do my very best by both of them so that they can both be proud of me.
We’ve been in the new house for about a month. We live in Santry, my parents’ neighborhood. When I suggested finding a house instead of raising a child in a garage, she was shocked. To be honest, she didn’t want a house like this one. She’d have preferred something small and anonymous – something simple and basic – but it was time for a change. Time to look forward and forget about my stupid preconceptions, to give them both what they deserve.
I mean, I have to spend the money I earn somehow.
What better way than on them?
My family deserves a real house, with a back gardenanda front garden, with two floors and a big, bright kitchen where I can cook for them. A dining room where we can eat with the family and a bedroom where – well, I don’t have to explain that.
We live here because I want to stay close to my parents, to make sure they’re alright. Riley has a big heart and loves them almost as much as I do, so she agreed to the idea right away.
I can’t abandon them, they’ve given me everything and I will continue to be there for them.
Unfortunately, my brothers live in the same area – obviously in opposite ends of town.
Ryan got a small but nice place to rent in Parklands, while Nick is staying in a loft in Northwood. It’s too big and too quiet for one person, but it’s Nick, and he always has to show off what he’s got.
It’s convenient living in Santry. It’s just fifteen minutes by bus for Riley to get to work. Her stop in the city is just a hundred metres from the theatre. Living so close to my family, Riley will never be alone, even when I’m away for matches.
For now, she comes with me wherever I go, but in a few months the pregnancy will become harder and she’ll have to give up some of these trips. I’ll definitely miss her being there, but I know that when I get home I’ll find her waiting, because Riley’s not about to abandon me.
It took me a while to truly believe that.
Yes, I’m a grown man, but past wounds are always there, ready to remind me who I am, where I come from and what I’ve been through.
For years I denied everything to everyone. For years, I’ve kept my distance from everything that scared me and managed to keep going, but it nearly destroyed me – and almost brought her down with me.
I’ll never be able to forgive myself for rejecting her, for denying her all I will never be able to give back to her, the things she’s lost.
I can’t erase the shadow of her past, but I’m here now to help her face it step by step, and help her to come out of her shell every once in a while. To help her feel everything, to enjoy the little victories, to get over the sad times and to believe.
This is my place, next to her, and no one could ever take it.
And Riley…well, she’s beautiful, sweet, tormented but strong. She is who she is and I love every little part of her, even the painful parts.
She is the woman who tied me to her with a stupid debt that I could never pay back. She is the one who woke up one morning screaming like a madman at my house. She always saw me for what I was. She unknowingly saves my life, every day, because she saved me from losing myself and denying myself to the world.
