“Has it passed for you?”
“In some ways; you need to go on.”
“She doesn’t love me, Ryan.”
“I know how that feels.”
“How do you get by? How do you go on, knowing that your heart won’t work like it did before, that your life won’t ever be complete?”
“You just survive. And you cling on to what’s left. Rugby, the team, your family.”
It seems like I’ve gone back in time, but now our roles are reversed.
“I wish that could be enough.”
“I’d like to tell you that one day it won’t hurt so much, that you’ll find someone else and all of this will be an old memory for you, but I’m not so sure. But you’ve been through it once, and you found your way out of it.”
“It’s different this time.”
“What makes you think so?”
“I just know.”
“What do you think about having a shower now? Or have you smashed that up too?”
“I think it’s still standing.”
Only because it doesn’t remind me of her.
“Make yourself presentable, I’ll start picking up.”
“Thanks, Ryan.”
He shrugs. “You’re my brother.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“You always have been.”
I nod, avoiding a response because I can barely keep it together. I could go back to breaking things like a sobbing, pathetic little boy, but none of those options seem sensible to me.
I get under the shower and let the water clear my thoughts.
Riley doesn’t want me. Riley doesn’t love me. Riley has abandoned me.
Just like they all do.
I let myself be manipulated and destroyed by a pair of sad eyes and a body that seems tailor-made for me.
I feel like an idiot for thinking I could have her, love her. But no one can be held down, even if you beg them to stay.
I’ll never make that mistake again. I never want to feel that pain again, even if this time it’s worse.
It’s all-consuming. It’s like a massacre.
This time it was different. This time I really believed in it.
