Ian
I’m frozen in place, my hands knotted into fists, short of breath and wanting to bang my head against the wall until it splits in two.
“Riley,” I say, moving close to her as she takes two steps backwards.
She crosses her arms and hides, like she always has. We’re back to square one.
“How many other things have you lied to me about?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Well, why don’t you explain it to me then?”
I try to grab her arm but I stop the moment I realise that Riley has already decided. She’s already issued the sentence and all I can do now is ask how much time is left before she puts the key in the door and walks out on me.
By this point, there’s no sense in lying about it. Riley’s feet are already out of the house. Out of my life.
“I’ve known for weeks.”
She is silent.
I hear her breath, her confusion and her guilt, but I don’t feel her heart.
“Jamie spoke to me about it. He was worried about you, he told me you’ve never faced it, that you’ve refused therapy, that you keep pretending it didn’t happen.”
“He was in on it, then.”
“No, he has nothing to do with it. He thought he was helping you.”
“Yeah sure, making you pity me!”
“Stop saying that.”
“And Jamie’s little chat with you wasn’t enough for you? You wanted all the gory details?”
“Please, don’t be like this…”
“Those photos,” she says pointing at the computer.
The photos of her face after the assault.
“They’re the hardest to bear. I can’t imagine what you went through,” I say, before choking on my own tears.
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “You don’t know, Ian O’Connor. You don’t know what it means to live in fear. You don’t know what it means to not sleep at night just to make sure you and your brother make it to the next morning. You don’t know what it means to pretend that everything is fine, that all that shit will go away some day to calm your little brother, who is scared to death just hearing the sound of his father’s voice. You don’t know what it means to hide in your own house.”
“Not like this, Riley,” I beg her.
“What is it? You wanted to know it all but you don’t want me to be the one to tell you?”
“I don’t want you to do it right now. You’re upset, you’re—”
“I’m perfectly fine.” She lifts her head. “I always have been, or Jamie and I wouldn’t be here right now.”
She’s doing it again. She’s building a wall between us. Between her and the world, between her and her feelings.
“Jamie was so…” she sighs. “Jamie is wonderful, he always has been. A good boy, kind, sensitive. Jamie is the only reason for me to live. And I would have done anything for him. My dad had a lot of problems, but his biggest one was his son.”
I rest my hand on the counter to help prop me up because I can’t do this. I’m falling apart as she stands before me, showing me the strength, once again, that I’ll never have.
