I jump to my feet to avoid answering him.
“Oh sure, we never talk about you, I forgot.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Really?” he asks, stretching out the word.
I look at him threateningly. “Watch it, Ryan.”
“I am. I’ve been where you are and I swore that I’d never do it again. Now look at you, drowning in a lake of your own shit.”
I look at him, shaking my head as he waits for my reply, waiting for me to open up to him – something that will never happen, even if he tortures me.
“I lost her.”
The words pour out of my mouth like a river. I throw up on my brother with three concise, confused words because I’m feeling angry, worried, a step away from losing my mind.
“I haven’t got it right even once. Letting her get close to me…waiting around to see what happens…waiting for what? I should never have said no that night, fuck.”
“I warned you.” He points his finger at me.
“You know how things were for me then. How I used to think, how I reacted to things…you know full well that I couldn’t have done anything else, Ryan!”
“The only thing I know is that you acted like a selfish bastard.”
“That’s who I am.”
“You? You don’t even understand the concept of only thinking about yourself, Ian.”
I run a hand through my hair.
“I spoke to Jamie a few weeks ago.”
“And?”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve always been missing a piece, I felt that he was hiding something from me.”
“I’m not following.”
“He’s broken, Ryan, just like me.”
“How broken?” he asks, worried.
“Something that maybe no one can fix. Not even me.”
* * *
“Oh,Jesus! I had no idea! Jamie is so…”
“I know,” I say, shaking my head. “I swear to you, I don’t know how he does it.”
“Well, you’re pretty good at hiding yourself too.”
“Not as much as I’d like.”
