31
CIARA
Carl parks in front of the pub and is about to get out of the car when I block him with my arm.
“No, I have to do this by myself.”
He nods in understanding.
“Want me to wait here for you?”
“No, thank you. I don’t know how long I’m going to be,” I confess, because to tell the truth I don’t even know why I’m here.
Today was a good day and I haven’t had one of those in a long time. A morning spent outdoors in solitary peace, a pleasant shift at work that put me back in contact with people. A day like any other, apart from the fact that I could have done without Patrick chastising me.
You should be here with him.
So, when I got home I asked Carl to give me a ride here and I came to this place I love where there are the people who love me.
To him.
I say goodbye to Carl and tell him there’s no need to wait for me, that I can ask Patrick to give me a ride when I’m ready to go home. He smiles and nods, kisses my cheek and lets me go.
I take a deep breath and open the door. Rain is the first person to notice me and leaves the bar counter to come and greet me. She hugs me tightly and says she’s happy to see me, and even though I remain immobile in her arms, she doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
I turn my head and I see him coming. His face is tired, his eyes are underscored by dark circles and there is fear evident in his movements as he approaches.
Rain lets me go and I find the courage to look him in the face and tell him: “I don’t know why I’m here.”
And that’s how I feel. I should talk to him, tell him what I’m going through, try to explain what I’m feeling right now but the words die on my lips.
He is understanding, timid and attentive.
He’s damned wonderful.
He asks me to stay and I accept. Just for one song. No big deal, right? A little effort on my part, I can resist three minutes.
I sit at the bar and Rain offers me something to drink. I accept it and take a sip with my eyes on the counter until the music begins.
And my world starts shaking like an earthquake.
Tell me that you’ll stay for one more song… Cause it might be the one that makes you mine…
The numbness, the confusion that I’m wading in.
I can’t bear the thought of being alone… And I’m worried that I’m running out of time… You’ve somewhere else to be.
The words go into my mind and wake up in my heart, closed in a dark silent chamber. The light is coming from someplace. It’s not a bright light, and it’s certainly not a blinding light. A lantern in the night, a sign, a tiny hope.
So promise me before you leave you’ll stay for one more song.
And I’d like to stay, for this song and all the ones after it. I’d like to stay with him and be able to give him all he deserves. And yet my legs are moving on their own. I get up off the stool and head for the exit without having the nerve to look at him and see the disappointment cause by my umpteenth refusal.
I would like to run to him up there on the stage and fall into his arms and cry on his shoulder. To let myself be held and loved. And yet I am doing the exact opposite. I find myself outside, alone and panting, fighting this knot in my stomach that is choking me.
It’s not possible to just erase all this with a big paintbrush, to color everything a vibrant green, like his eyes and paint that happy ending I was holding onto up until a few weeks ago.
Why can’t I let his heart beat next to mine and have our happily-ever-after just like I’ve always dreamed about?
